A Return to Civility -- Please!

I have the luxury of living next to a beautiful city park that has a walking track around it. Most mornings I walk with my daughters for about 45 minutes and it really helps for the waistline, fitness and clarity of thought!

The other morning we were walking as we usually do and there happened to be a television crew filming a series in the park and there was a lot of equipment and people around the park. As we kept walking, we came upon a group of four or five people that were blocking the walking trail. We thought as we approached them that they would move out of the way but instead they looked at us and continued to talk to themselves and ignored us. We just walked around them.

As we continued to walk around the track to the same spot, they were still just standing in the middle of the track and were not moving out of the way. What is ironic is that there are signs around this park stating that it is a trail for walking, running and horseback riding!

It seemed to us that those four or five people were uninterested in moving out of the way for the many people that were either walking or jogging. They just stood there with their arms folded and watched as everyone had to walk around them on the street or the parking lot.

I will admit that this is a minor case of incivility but it got me thinking about the general topic. If you have been reading the news lately you will have heard that incivility in not an uncommon occurrence. What makes us act and react in this way? Can you think of any times that you have been in an uncivil frame of mind?

In Wikipedia, I think it tells us best, that incivility is a "general term for social behavior lacking in civility or good manners, on a scale from rudeness or lack of respect for elders, to vandalism and hooliganism, through public drunkenness and threatening behavior." Have we seen any of this type of behavior lately from others or ourselves? If so, why is it happening?

In the case of many of the sports stars that act rudely within the context of their sport, it seems when an action or judgment is made that interferes with their perceived good judgment, a backlash of anger and crudeness erupts. It is usually followed in the media by an apology. It seems that when things don't go our way, we have to not only blame someone else but we must demean them.

Let's take the great "debate" on health care. Does anyone disagree that there is a need for reform within the system? I doubt it! Has there really been a debate over the issues? It appears to me that it has just settled into a smear campaign and the real issues are not being discussed. Why can't we have a debate over issues from opposing points of view without getting uncivil about it? What has happened to debate as a means of discussing issues in a spirited but civil environment?

When we move away from issues quickly and imply motive and assign character flaws to the arguments we will always fail in our attempt to find justice or fix a problem. We may win the moment but the victory will be hollow.

Could we say that incivility is absolute selfishness in action? We don't care what happens to others because we want what we want, when we want it. The bottom line is me! That type of mindset has to change in order for civility to return to our society.

Will Marré has written a book entitled, "Save the World and Still Be Home for Dinner". In it he explores the "me first" attitude of people and businesses and says that the model for charity has to change. You can watch an interview here.

Steve Roesler states that we need to ask questions in order to find out what employees really need for training purposes. If we listen just to the manager or sponsor we usually don't get a wide enough perspective to be inclusive of all of the employees. Ask the right questions!

David Brooks makes a troubling assessment of character in our lives as he views the subject through the new movie, "Where the Wild Things Are".

We see a tragic end to a person's life because of a disagreement or misunderstanding in this story. It could have started out as a disagreement but it ended up in the worst possible way for the victim -- where is the smallest amount of civility in this situation?

When I think about the group that was standing on the track in the park, oblivious to anyone or anything around them, I think it was a minor example of incivility. But where does it go from there? Little indiscretions tend to grow into bigger problems if we don't pay attention to them and fix the source of the problem.

If we ask questions and look outside of ourselves and see how we are affecting others, we may end up contributing to return of civility. Can we care enough to do that?

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

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The Character that Should Define Us!

Quite a few years ago, I worked for a company that had an employee softball league. There were all levels of competency in the different employee teams and every year teams came into a 4 team playoff for the championship.

One of the last years that I played in this league we were playing for the league championship against a team that was perennially in the championship game. They had a lot of talented players on their team and were very vocal about their abilities. You could say that they were arrogant about their team and their abilities.

We had lost the first game to them in a very close decision and were playing a second game to try to force a third game to stay alive in the championship tournament. It wasn't going very well at all and in fact, we were losing by a large margin toward the end of the game.

I played left field and a young man played center field beside me. As the game wore down, the vocal boasting and teasing by the other team started wearing on my young friend. He was beginning to feel compelled to march into their team bench and give them a word or two to straighten them out!

I calmed this young friend down and asked him if this game defined who we were as complete individuals. He had to admit that it didn't but he said that "they're laughing at us"! I asked him if the other team really knew who we were and what our character was and what we truly stood for? He answered that they probably didn't understand too much about us. I told him that they were just acting childishly and that we should ignore them.

It would have been very easy for our team to be offended with this team and taken action but thankfully we had a lot of mature employees on the team and this game was an outlet for fun and that was it! It didn't affect our pride - we were beaten by a physically better team.

How many of us are physically and emotionally affected by actions of other people and react in a way that harms us more than it does them? Whether we react in anger, jealousy, indifference, or physical abuse, does it ever make the situation better? Conversely, does it shape our character in a way that reflects negatively on the well-being of our state of mind?

Another friend of mine stated in a speech that the way we can overcome doing things that negatively affect our character is to listen, wait and then act. In this way, we can think about our actions and the consequences before act rashly.

I recently read where a University of Oregon football player swung at and hit an opponent and knocked him down to the ground after the opponent teased him about losing the game. Consequently, the U of O player was suspended for the season. It was a senseless act that contributed to a very painful consequence. Neither player really knew what the other player stood for but the Oregon player took actions that could shape his character in a negative way -- we'll see how he responds to this adversity.

Our children are given messages through various media outlets that tell them that it is "all about me". That sex outside of marriage is the norm and girls, especially, must dress provocatively to be attractive. Taking actions on these messages can damage the character that they need to combat these messages and bring consequences that could control them for years to come. You can read about it here.

Are we saving enough for the future? One of the main reasons we are in a huge recession is that not many of us save any money at all. Too many of us misuse credit cards and other credit instruments. But again, the messages that we hear are to live for today and pay later. That catches up with us after a while and can have devastating effects on our financial welfare. What are we to do? Work out a comprehensive plan and stick to it! We will have to make sacrifices but it will be well worth it if we become financially secure! We should do a financial checkup so that we won't suffer the adverse affects of poor financial planning!

I would like to refer back to Gerald Sindell's book, "The Genius Machine". Mr. Sindell states that we should be asking the right questions in regards to our ideas and actions. I wholeheartedly agree with that! Number 3 on the list is implication (to explore all the consequences to our ideas). I would add that we must explore the consequences of our actions as well and we must do it before we act. Take another look at the different steps of the Genius Machine!

In so many situations in our lives, we allow other people and events to define who we are simply because we haven't developed the character to counteract the emotion that comes along when a significant emotional event (SEE) happens in our life.

My friend could have really gotten into trouble -- maybe he could have even gotten fired if he would have acted rashly. Because he didn't he was able self-evaluate and realize that the words the other team was saying about us or him didn't define who we really were. It wasn't our character that they were attacking, it was our pride! Pride can get us into deep trouble if we are not mature in our thinking.

Don't let what someone says about us or an emotional event define who we are. Listen, wait and then act and let the patience that comes from confidence and mature thinking continue to form the character that lasts forever!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

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A Relationship with Anything is Hard Work!

Last weekend I addressed a group of people that were "roughing" it in the Southern California mountains at Camp Condor. This area is a beautiful part of California near Gorman, California about 80 miles north of Los Angeles. We had met there to get away from the city and to get to know each other a little better.

I asked the group how many of them had lived their entire life in Southern California. About 7 people out of the 60+ people raised their hands. I explained that most of us have moved around a bit and because of that possibly could have less than a stellar approach to commitment.

I also explained that we can tend to lose focus because of what faces us everyday in the way of information. Internet searches can take us off track so easily and we can still feel that we learned so much by doing that. In reality, we have wasted a huge amount of time by getting off track like that repeatedly throughout the day and not staying focused on our original task.

Think about this in the context of relationships with anything -- does being overloaded with informational options tend to keep us from cementing solid relationships in all areas of our lives?

How many of us understand how much work goes into building a solid marriage? Have many of us have grown a garden or raised animals for food? Have we ever had to repair a fractured relationship? Have we cared for our elderly parents or grandparents?

All relationships, whether with the land, animals, people or perhaps, the environment, take a huge amount of work. Shortcuts rarely work and many times can be incredibly destructive. We are told, however, that we are to live life to the fullest and within that message can come a lack of commitment to values that sustain communities.

What is the result? An agriculture system that uses pesticides and fertilizers that are harmful to humans and the environment. A nursing home industry that is overloaded and in many ways, impersonal. A fast food industry that provides a substantial percentage of our daily diet in foods that actually can kill us if we indulge too much. Relationships that are so shallow! We probably don't even know our next neighbors in many cases. In many ways, we have received exactly what our lifestyles have demanded for us.

While at this camp, I talked to someone who teaches children who have emotional problems. We discussed that his main goal was to teach these young people how to properly think about themselves and the relationships that they have with others. How about us? Do we take the time to properly think about the different relationships that we should have with everything around us or are we so overloaded with informational options that we have lost the focus that it takes to do that?

Have we lost the commitment to values that sustain a community? If we have, how do we change? First of all, we must realize that solid relationships with anything take time and hard work. Are we committed to these relationships even knowing that is the case? Secondly, we must think about the impact that our conduct and lifestyle has on everything around us -- are we ready to change if we are taking a detrimental approach to values that sustain a community? Every little part helps to create the whole effect!

It means that we have to pay as much attention to what is around us as we do to what we want for ourselves.

It is interesting to note that many people are starting see that they are out of touch with some of the aspects of their community. Whether it is their career choices or raising some of their own food, people are thinking about how they affect the communities in which they live.

Steve Roesler tells us that a little sweetness goes a long ways to attract the right relationships. He also states that we need to sit back and survey what is around us once and a while to gain perspective.

On a sad note, Ted Kennedy has died. Whether you agreed with him or not, you have to admit that he was a integral part of the American landscape for years. George Will writes a balanced perspective on his life.

Gerald Sindell has developed a system called the Genius Machine. Sindell states that after you have used the Genius Machine for a while you will turn into a noticer of things. You will become a better listener as well. These two qualities can help in your quest to be more aware of what is around you. You can read about this on Mike McKinney's blog.

While at the camp, I realized how much there was to the environment that was around me. I was able to focus in on the little things and realize how much makes up what we see around us. It made me think about how I impact what is in my sphere of influence. I hope this article will help you do the same.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Cherish What We Have and Get Ready for Change!

I remember the first time that I saw it -- it was a deep cherry color and the pickups were a polished black. I had never seen anything that had so much depth in color. The only blemish was a nick in one of the frets. I figured that I could fix that by polishing it out over time. My 1959 cherry-colored Gibson Melody Maker was perfect for what I wanted and I was getting it for a great price.

I imagine that most of you probably don't get as passionate about an old guitar as I do. This guitar had the best sound that I had heard up to that point. The lead guitarist in our band had a Les Paul but I couldn't afford one and I was the rhythm guitarist for the band and this seemed like the perfect fit.

I played for one more year in that band -- I never did fix the nick in the fret. I just learned to play around it. I had decided that it was time to go back to college so that I could earn a living if by chance I wasn't the next Jimmy Page. I wasn't! In fact, I never played in a band ever again.

I had moved out to Oregon and returned to school to learn how produce, direct and edit video. I had met a lot of new people and Oregon in the early to mid 70's was an eye-opening place for a small town Minnesota boy. I met all sorts of people that would never have been accepted in my small town community simply because of their behavior. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into out west.

I had met a group of friends through a mutual friend and somehow they had persuaded the mutual friend to let them stay at our apartment while we were taking a long weekend up in the Cascade Mountains. I didn't realize this was happening.

I returned home to find that all of my music, stereo system, my banjo and my beautiful Melody Maker were all gone. My "friends" were never to be seen again and neither was my guitar. It broke my heart! I had always taken for granted that I would have my beautiful guitar and eventually get the nick polished out of the fret and have this beautiful antique to play for a long, long time. It just didn't happen the way I envisioned it.

We look at our lives that way sometimes as well, don't we? We actually look at other people's lives that way, too. We figure, sometimes, that the way it is today is always the way it is going to be for us. It probably comes from youthful naivety and lack of forward thinking. It isn't something that is taught in school.

I guess that there are a couple of lessons that I should have learned out of that situation. First of all, choose your friends wisely. I probably shouldn't have been a roommate with the mutual friend that invited the group of "friends" over to our apartment. I hadn't really investigated it very much because I thought that everyone was on the level, aren't they?

Secondly, we should cherish what we have and realize that what we have now and those things that surround us now most likely will not be with us all that long. Life is about experiences and adapting to change when new experiences come our way. Sometimes it is adapting to a new set of circumstances when what we have around us suddenly disappears. We choose our reaction to those changes.

A guitar legend, Les Paul, who has been around a long time and who was so influential in shaping the modern music world, died yesterday at 94 years of age. You can read a couple of news stories about him at Fox News and the New York Times.

Many of you may not enjoy skateboarding (I don't) but you have to appreciate the dedication that skateboarders have to their art. They risk bodily harm to perfect their skills and in some cases give themselves a way to escape the inner city crime scenes of the big city. Andy Kessler, a legendary New York City skateboarder died unexpectedly from an insect bite. You can read about his impact on the inner city skateboard scene here. The article is entitled, "The End of Falling".

Steve Roesler tells us that there are different ways to learn. I especially like point #4 -- make room for the new! New and different opportunities are going to come our way. How do we adapt to them?

For you guitar enthusiasts, I have posted a link to YouTube that gives a demonstration on the new Gibson Melody Maker -- they're bringing them back! Gibson isn't bringing back the cherry colored one but this one will do!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

The Right Balance of Self-sufficiency!

I grew up on a farm in Minnesota -- that in itself isn't a big deal because many people have grown up in a rural setting. What has come out of that experience, I guess, is what is more important.

My earliest memories are from the mid to late 1950's and include huge white farm houses and red barns. I remember large gardens on my parent's farm as well as my grandparent's farm. We also had a lot of farm animals - cattle, pigs, chickens and of course dogs and cats.

From a very young age, we were taught to work hard and help produce the food that would sustain us economically and physically through most of the year. So we had to weed the garden, feed the animals, prune the fruit trees and maintain the yard.

We didn't appreciate the workload at the time and I'm sure if you asked my parents, they would tell you that we probably had a few words to say about not wanting to do all of this work. But through "encouraging" parents, we learned to do many things that people nowadays haven't a clue how to do.

We canned and froze many vegetables. We butchered chickens and froze them for later use. We made jams and jellies and all sorts of preserved fruit for our traditional German desserts! For many years I took all of this for granted and just labeled it in my mind as something that everyone knew and exerienced. But not so!

Very few of us realize where the food comes from or how it is produced or transported to the grocery store where we pick it up for our eventual use. Very few know of the sacrifices that are made by the entire community for food to come to our tables.

I would have to say that it was a unique upbringing - one that has taught me a small sense of self-sufficiency. You see, we didn't have to buy much food at the store because we had a lot of it grown or produced at home. This training also went into fixing cars and farm implements and repairing tires and fixing buildings when they needed it.

This upbringing and training develops a mindset that when put into an unfamiliar situation, you could work your way through the roadblocks and come out on top! It helps especially in these trying times that we find ourselves in.

I think that if we would give ourselves and our children more of these opportunities, we would see a greater appreciation for the resources that we have at our disposal. We would also not take for granted where our food comes from or the value of the life that gave that food for our sustenance.

It is interesting in these tough financial times that more people are raising livestock in their backyards. Even though they know that it isn't cost-effective compared to buying things like eggs at a grocery store, people want the security that having their own chickens brings. We now find that it isn't just the eggs that they want but also the meat from the chickens as well. It brings a appreciative and thoughtful mindset to the one raising the chickens.

The New York Times talks about how hatcheries are seeing a huge increase in their orders this year over last year. They also talk to a few people on the reason for raising their own animals on their property -- self-sufficiency seems to have a part to play in this.

Kevin Eikenberry states that asking "Why?" can stimulate learning, facilitate discovery, create understanding and quench curiosity; it also can impede progress, insinuate power and suggest judgment. Given these facts, use the "Why?" question with care.

It is important to ask the right questions in order to determine if it will bring us the right answer -- we must have the right tools at our disposal to make these decisions. This can help in having the right balance of self-sufficiency.

Mike McKinney explores a new book about learning to apply the right view and the right conduct to our decision making in order to come to what is best not only for ourselves but those in our sphere of influence. We continue to teach those in our sphere of influence how to think critically! It leads to the right balance of self-sufficiency.

Most of the people that I knew back on the farm realized that we couldn't be totally self-sufficient. What was apparent to many was there was a need to be interdependent on each other. This led to an appreciation of what was given to them and also what it took to sustain a community. Sacrifices had to be made at every level of the community.

I think that if more of us would be closer to the earth and what is grown, we would have a balance of self-sufficiency that would lead to a greater appreciation of plant and animal life and how that life has to be sustained.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

The Mirror of Friendship!

I have just returned from directing a teen camp in Southwest Washington. It was a wonderful experience and something that I relish from year to year.

I chauffeured 5 teens up to the camp and 5 teens back to California on a road trip that was quite enjoyable considering the energy and interests of the teens with me. I had a great time!

It is amazing the beauty that you can see on one of these road trips. Sometimes we need to stop and look around and let the natural beauty of what surrounds us soak into our minds. I think most of us have a "Phoenix by sunset" mentality when we travel and that limits our ability to allow this to happen. When we slow down we notice things that we wouldn't normally see if we are in a hurry.

One of the things I noticed, especially in Oregon, was the clear-cutting of the forests that had taken place. I'm not here to judge whether that is right or wrong but it did startle me. There were many places where there was a thin line of trees that had been left standing to cover up the clear cutting that I could see from the freeway. It was just a facade! It didn't change the fact that what appeared to be a beautiful stand of douglas firs was simply a thin line of trees to cover up what was behind it.

Sometimes I wonder if we aren't that way in our lives. We have a thin veneer of a facade but behind this facade is something that is different than what most everyone else sees. We think that what is behind is covered up by this facade but almost everyone can see the real landscape if they slow down and take a look.

There are two aspects to this analogy -- we deceive ourselves by thinking that we have covered up what is really inside us and secondly, how many of us slow down so that we can really observe what is going on in someone's life? Perhaps there is a chance for a comment that could help.

George Herbert states that the best mirror is an old friend. We need to be very careful in our approach but we need to help our friends when they are in need! Think about the person that is walking around with their shirt buttoned unevenly -- it looks really odd! You go to that person and tell them what everyone else except for them can see. Shouldn't it be the same way with our personal shortcomings and blemishes? We wouldn't want our friends (or anyone) to go around thinking they are fine but everyone else can see what is wrong. We go to our friends and gently provide the mirror for them.

Conversely, we know when we are off base, mostly. We know when we aren't living up to the standards that we hold dear to us. What usually needs to be done is painful to change but afterwards a quiet, satisfied feeling accompanies being able to overcome something that had kept us from fulfilling our potential. Together, we become stronger!

When someone is performing the delicate task of being a mirror, please don't react harshly. What I have found is that even if I don't agree with the person that is approaching me, I can find useful critique to help me become a better person. It takes courage to listen without getting our defenses up.

I have included a picture of my favorite spot in the Northwest -- I hope that you find it inspiring! Also, I have included a link to an article in the NY Times about summer camps and one danger that goes along with attending some of them.

Steve Roesler states that character and persistence trump adversity -- it's a valuable lesson to have learned when we find ourselves face to face with the need to change. It can be done!

Remember what Goethe says about friendship: "Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

What's Our Legacy?

I have just returned from a funeral of a very dear friend. She had struggled so much in the last two years just to stay alive. There were so many times in the recent past that I had thought that she was going to slip away but she always seemed to rally. Although, each time it seemed as though she went a little farther into her regression of health.

She was a fighter and someone who had always believed in truth. She didn't compromise even on the little things. I made that assessment awhile ago but it was confirmed today at the funeral by her own children. They all told me that their mother left an indelible impression on all their lives in this area of discipline -- she wouldn't compromise in the little things.

I stood looking at the children and the grandchildren all gathered together mourning the death of their beloved mother and I got a sense that somehow this attention to detail had bonded them together so tightly as a family. They were laughing together and crying together as well.

At one point, I stood up and said that my friend had told me something about the family that really touched me. There was a nervous laugh and a chuckle among them but I said that it was a good thing and they all laughed. I told them that my friend wanted me to know all of them and so my friend had sent me an email that contained names and pictures of the entire family so that I could put faces to names. I had become, in some small way, a part of their family. My friend had taught them that.

She had left a legacy for all of us to see and appreciate.

What about us? What legacy are we building now? Are we consistent in our ways as my friend was in her attention to detail? Have we made an effort to be inclusive in our relationships with others? Are our friends familiar with our nuclear families? It is something we should consider.

In our families as well in our vocations, people will follow our example if we can delineate that example and give those within our sphere of influence vision. Kevin Eikenberry explains this in his latest blog. In this way, we can leave a legacy.

Speaking of our sphere of influence, what type of leader are we? Is it a gloomy day continually within our organization or family? What type of personality qualities allow health and healing in the relationships within our sphere of influence? Focus on the Family lists laughter as a healer of relationships and a way to cope with the stresses of life that affect those relationships.

Mike McKinney shows us that when we stand up and lead in the right way, it can help those around us make the type of decisions that necessarily bring good results. You can read about it here.

All of these links show us how to build and leave a legacy that can affect others not just now but well past the time we are on this earth. I have chosen to focus on the positive of my friend's life because of what she has accomplished. I don't mean to diminish the grief that comes along with the death of loved ones and good friends.

If you are having trouble making it through this type of grief please look for resources that can help you cope with the loss of family and friends. Vision.org has several articles that will help you make sense out of the situation and point you toward resources that will help you cope with the loss.

I walked away from my friend's funeral with a new appreciation for what she had done within her sphere of influence and what we can still do within ours as well...but I will still miss her!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier