A Return to Civility -- Please!

I have the luxury of living next to a beautiful city park that has a walking track around it. Most mornings I walk with my daughters for about 45 minutes and it really helps for the waistline, fitness and clarity of thought!

The other morning we were walking as we usually do and there happened to be a television crew filming a series in the park and there was a lot of equipment and people around the park. As we kept walking, we came upon a group of four or five people that were blocking the walking trail. We thought as we approached them that they would move out of the way but instead they looked at us and continued to talk to themselves and ignored us. We just walked around them.

As we continued to walk around the track to the same spot, they were still just standing in the middle of the track and were not moving out of the way. What is ironic is that there are signs around this park stating that it is a trail for walking, running and horseback riding!

It seemed to us that those four or five people were uninterested in moving out of the way for the many people that were either walking or jogging. They just stood there with their arms folded and watched as everyone had to walk around them on the street or the parking lot.

I will admit that this is a minor case of incivility but it got me thinking about the general topic. If you have been reading the news lately you will have heard that incivility in not an uncommon occurrence. What makes us act and react in this way? Can you think of any times that you have been in an uncivil frame of mind?

In Wikipedia, I think it tells us best, that incivility is a "general term for social behavior lacking in civility or good manners, on a scale from rudeness or lack of respect for elders, to vandalism and hooliganism, through public drunkenness and threatening behavior." Have we seen any of this type of behavior lately from others or ourselves? If so, why is it happening?

In the case of many of the sports stars that act rudely within the context of their sport, it seems when an action or judgment is made that interferes with their perceived good judgment, a backlash of anger and crudeness erupts. It is usually followed in the media by an apology. It seems that when things don't go our way, we have to not only blame someone else but we must demean them.

Let's take the great "debate" on health care. Does anyone disagree that there is a need for reform within the system? I doubt it! Has there really been a debate over the issues? It appears to me that it has just settled into a smear campaign and the real issues are not being discussed. Why can't we have a debate over issues from opposing points of view without getting uncivil about it? What has happened to debate as a means of discussing issues in a spirited but civil environment?

When we move away from issues quickly and imply motive and assign character flaws to the arguments we will always fail in our attempt to find justice or fix a problem. We may win the moment but the victory will be hollow.

Could we say that incivility is absolute selfishness in action? We don't care what happens to others because we want what we want, when we want it. The bottom line is me! That type of mindset has to change in order for civility to return to our society.

Will Marré has written a book entitled, "Save the World and Still Be Home for Dinner". In it he explores the "me first" attitude of people and businesses and says that the model for charity has to change. You can watch an interview here.

Steve Roesler states that we need to ask questions in order to find out what employees really need for training purposes. If we listen just to the manager or sponsor we usually don't get a wide enough perspective to be inclusive of all of the employees. Ask the right questions!

David Brooks makes a troubling assessment of character in our lives as he views the subject through the new movie, "Where the Wild Things Are".

We see a tragic end to a person's life because of a disagreement or misunderstanding in this story. It could have started out as a disagreement but it ended up in the worst possible way for the victim -- where is the smallest amount of civility in this situation?

When I think about the group that was standing on the track in the park, oblivious to anyone or anything around them, I think it was a minor example of incivility. But where does it go from there? Little indiscretions tend to grow into bigger problems if we don't pay attention to them and fix the source of the problem.

If we ask questions and look outside of ourselves and see how we are affecting others, we may end up contributing to return of civility. Can we care enough to do that?

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Add to: | Technorati | Digg | del.icio.us | Yahoo | BlinkList | Spurl | reddit | Furl |

The Character that Should Define Us!

Quite a few years ago, I worked for a company that had an employee softball league. There were all levels of competency in the different employee teams and every year teams came into a 4 team playoff for the championship.

One of the last years that I played in this league we were playing for the league championship against a team that was perennially in the championship game. They had a lot of talented players on their team and were very vocal about their abilities. You could say that they were arrogant about their team and their abilities.

We had lost the first game to them in a very close decision and were playing a second game to try to force a third game to stay alive in the championship tournament. It wasn't going very well at all and in fact, we were losing by a large margin toward the end of the game.

I played left field and a young man played center field beside me. As the game wore down, the vocal boasting and teasing by the other team started wearing on my young friend. He was beginning to feel compelled to march into their team bench and give them a word or two to straighten them out!

I calmed this young friend down and asked him if this game defined who we were as complete individuals. He had to admit that it didn't but he said that "they're laughing at us"! I asked him if the other team really knew who we were and what our character was and what we truly stood for? He answered that they probably didn't understand too much about us. I told him that they were just acting childishly and that we should ignore them.

It would have been very easy for our team to be offended with this team and taken action but thankfully we had a lot of mature employees on the team and this game was an outlet for fun and that was it! It didn't affect our pride - we were beaten by a physically better team.

How many of us are physically and emotionally affected by actions of other people and react in a way that harms us more than it does them? Whether we react in anger, jealousy, indifference, or physical abuse, does it ever make the situation better? Conversely, does it shape our character in a way that reflects negatively on the well-being of our state of mind?

Another friend of mine stated in a speech that the way we can overcome doing things that negatively affect our character is to listen, wait and then act. In this way, we can think about our actions and the consequences before act rashly.

I recently read where a University of Oregon football player swung at and hit an opponent and knocked him down to the ground after the opponent teased him about losing the game. Consequently, the U of O player was suspended for the season. It was a senseless act that contributed to a very painful consequence. Neither player really knew what the other player stood for but the Oregon player took actions that could shape his character in a negative way -- we'll see how he responds to this adversity.

Our children are given messages through various media outlets that tell them that it is "all about me". That sex outside of marriage is the norm and girls, especially, must dress provocatively to be attractive. Taking actions on these messages can damage the character that they need to combat these messages and bring consequences that could control them for years to come. You can read about it here.

Are we saving enough for the future? One of the main reasons we are in a huge recession is that not many of us save any money at all. Too many of us misuse credit cards and other credit instruments. But again, the messages that we hear are to live for today and pay later. That catches up with us after a while and can have devastating effects on our financial welfare. What are we to do? Work out a comprehensive plan and stick to it! We will have to make sacrifices but it will be well worth it if we become financially secure! We should do a financial checkup so that we won't suffer the adverse affects of poor financial planning!

I would like to refer back to Gerald Sindell's book, "The Genius Machine". Mr. Sindell states that we should be asking the right questions in regards to our ideas and actions. I wholeheartedly agree with that! Number 3 on the list is implication (to explore all the consequences to our ideas). I would add that we must explore the consequences of our actions as well and we must do it before we act. Take another look at the different steps of the Genius Machine!

In so many situations in our lives, we allow other people and events to define who we are simply because we haven't developed the character to counteract the emotion that comes along when a significant emotional event (SEE) happens in our life.

My friend could have really gotten into trouble -- maybe he could have even gotten fired if he would have acted rashly. Because he didn't he was able self-evaluate and realize that the words the other team was saying about us or him didn't define who we really were. It wasn't our character that they were attacking, it was our pride! Pride can get us into deep trouble if we are not mature in our thinking.

Don't let what someone says about us or an emotional event define who we are. Listen, wait and then act and let the patience that comes from confidence and mature thinking continue to form the character that lasts forever!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Add to: | Technorati | Digg | del.icio.us | Yahoo | BlinkList | Spurl | reddit | Furl |

The Mirror of Friendship!

I have just returned from directing a teen camp in Southwest Washington. It was a wonderful experience and something that I relish from year to year.

I chauffeured 5 teens up to the camp and 5 teens back to California on a road trip that was quite enjoyable considering the energy and interests of the teens with me. I had a great time!

It is amazing the beauty that you can see on one of these road trips. Sometimes we need to stop and look around and let the natural beauty of what surrounds us soak into our minds. I think most of us have a "Phoenix by sunset" mentality when we travel and that limits our ability to allow this to happen. When we slow down we notice things that we wouldn't normally see if we are in a hurry.

One of the things I noticed, especially in Oregon, was the clear-cutting of the forests that had taken place. I'm not here to judge whether that is right or wrong but it did startle me. There were many places where there was a thin line of trees that had been left standing to cover up the clear cutting that I could see from the freeway. It was just a facade! It didn't change the fact that what appeared to be a beautiful stand of douglas firs was simply a thin line of trees to cover up what was behind it.

Sometimes I wonder if we aren't that way in our lives. We have a thin veneer of a facade but behind this facade is something that is different than what most everyone else sees. We think that what is behind is covered up by this facade but almost everyone can see the real landscape if they slow down and take a look.

There are two aspects to this analogy -- we deceive ourselves by thinking that we have covered up what is really inside us and secondly, how many of us slow down so that we can really observe what is going on in someone's life? Perhaps there is a chance for a comment that could help.

George Herbert states that the best mirror is an old friend. We need to be very careful in our approach but we need to help our friends when they are in need! Think about the person that is walking around with their shirt buttoned unevenly -- it looks really odd! You go to that person and tell them what everyone else except for them can see. Shouldn't it be the same way with our personal shortcomings and blemishes? We wouldn't want our friends (or anyone) to go around thinking they are fine but everyone else can see what is wrong. We go to our friends and gently provide the mirror for them.

Conversely, we know when we are off base, mostly. We know when we aren't living up to the standards that we hold dear to us. What usually needs to be done is painful to change but afterwards a quiet, satisfied feeling accompanies being able to overcome something that had kept us from fulfilling our potential. Together, we become stronger!

When someone is performing the delicate task of being a mirror, please don't react harshly. What I have found is that even if I don't agree with the person that is approaching me, I can find useful critique to help me become a better person. It takes courage to listen without getting our defenses up.

I have included a picture of my favorite spot in the Northwest -- I hope that you find it inspiring! Also, I have included a link to an article in the NY Times about summer camps and one danger that goes along with attending some of them.

Steve Roesler states that character and persistence trump adversity -- it's a valuable lesson to have learned when we find ourselves face to face with the need to change. It can be done!

Remember what Goethe says about friendship: "Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier