Haircuts, Humility and Hindsight!

About a week ago my wife decided that she was going to try our brand new, shiny hair clippers on my thinning hair. She has cut my hair for the entire 21 years that we have been married and I think has done a great job with just a comb and scissors.

Well, she decided that an electric clippers would be even better to cut my graying hair.

Before we started the ordeal, I muttered to her that I hoped that God wasn't using this as an opportunity to teach me humility.  She asked me if she made a mistake if I would still love her and I said that I would.  That kind of sounds like a setup, doesn't it?

We carefully chose the clipping attachment that gave me the chance for the longest hair after the cut.  This attachment just wasn't doing the job very well for my wife so she went to the next shorter attachment.  It, too, wasn't clipping the hair to my wife's approval and so she went even shorter.

Not much was said over the next 10 minutes until my wife said that I needed to be prepared for what I was about to look at in the mirror! What happened between the clippers weren't cutting enough off to being buzz cut without any input? So God was using this event as an opportunity to teach me humility!

My immediate reaction was what am I going to say to my co-workers and friends? Perhaps a preemptive strike on Facebook or Twitter might be appropriate. My mind was kind of racing at the moment. Does it really look as short as I think it does? Yes, it does!

Since this happened last week I surprise myself every time that I look in the mirror. Oh yeah, that's right.  I don't have any hair left!  I have started to get used to it by now though and it doesn't appear to be the earth-shattering event that I first perceived it to be.

For instance, there are a lot of advantages to having ultra short hair:

It dries instantly when I get out of the shower.

I have no need for a hair brush thus saving money.

I can drive on the freeway with the windows down and my hair never gets messed up.

Women run their fingers through my 1/4" hair (okay, so it's my wife and daughters making fun).

I can be mistaken for my better looking older brother quite easily now.

In hindsight the big deal that I thought this was going to be turned out to be an opportunity to evaluate all the positives that came out of an event that I thought was going to humiliate me. It was exactly the opposite of what I thought would happen.

How about you?  What has happened in your life that you thought was humiliating only to learn later that it was a useful learning opportunity for you? When we take stock of what happens to us and what is the ultimate outcome of that event, many times we forget the useful lessons that pop up before our eyes if we are only willing to see and use them.

What I learned is that it is easy to go right to the negative side of things before ever considering the positive, helpful outcome of an event we perceive to be humbling. We need to stop and take time to evaluate the event for its true value in our lives.

Michael McKinney reviews a book entitled, "Opportunity Screams", that can be quite helpful in building relationships and businesses. The author states, “It’s all connected. Transparent, honest, caring relationships bring meaning, happiness and growth to your business and to your life.” This will help you evaluate relationships and events for their true value in your life.

Marybeth Hicks writes a thoughtful article on the need to stay committed in our marriages.  She claims that we are short on commitment and long on excuses. In a study released by the Pew Research Center, it shows that Americans are not concerned for the most part about the disintegrating family.  In fact, many people state that the variety of families (single parent, cohabiting partners, step families) in America are good for America.

Hicks claims that the decline of traditional families is taking an economic, social and spiritual toll on our nation.  She feels that marriage is hard but definitely worth the effort.

Finally, renowned British historian, Paul Johnson, has a new book out. "Humorists" is given a positive review in the New York Times.  The Times say that it will give us a good laugh.  I think it is time to visit Amazon!

I think that it's important to evaluate every event in our lives for the value it can bring to our lives in a positive way.  Perhaps it helps us to not take ourselves so seriously in matters that don't really weigh in as important -- especially the length of hair!  Oh, that's right, it grows back!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

I'll Be Okay!

It was tough getting on the plane in Minneapolis yesterday.  I had just said goodbye to my father who is in the final stages of congestive heart failure and he wasn’t doing very well.

We have seen quite a bit of each other over the last years and many times we have looked each other in the eyes and said, “I love you” and knew that we both meant it but today was different.  I was looking to comfort him but it was he who was doing the comforting.

I asked him if he was all right and he responded that he was going to be okay.  What? He’s dying of heart failure and he’s the one that is okay? I have had to wipe back tears several times just thinking about the courage that he has knowing that he is probably not going to be on this earth much longer.

As I was riding on the plane, I just kept staring at the pen that I was holding and nervously picking at the design on it hoping that no one would notice that I was trying not to talk to anyone or look anywhere because I didn’t want to have to say anything to anyone for fear of losing it.  I probably looked pretty sour.

That got me thinking that I probably need to steer clear of judging people when they don’t act the way I want them to act or answer in an “up” way when I am in an “up” mood.  It is easy to place a negative label on people when they aren’t responding the way we think they should respond.  I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.  Sorry!

I remember a story in one of Stephen Covey’s books where a father was on the subway with his children and the children were completely out of control.  The kids were very annoying and the father wasn’t doing anything to curb their behavior.  Finally, someone (I think Mr. Covey) said something to the fact that his children were out of control and he looked up and said, “oh, my wife died today”. 

That wasn’t the complete quote but you get the idea.  His mind was on other things and now your feelings toward this man changed from annoyance to empathy.  Now we understand why he wasn’t so sharp in the guidance of his children.

Have we ever stopped to think about the other person’s actions or behavior first?  Could there be a reason behind it? It’s hard to do, isn’t it?  Well, I’ve just received a big jolt of “think of the other person before opening mouth or pronouncing judgment.”  It’s kind of humbling but necessary when we get too full of ourselves.

All of the accomplishments, accolades and awards come crashing down around me when I think of my father lying in that hospital bed fighting to take his next breath.  Some things just don’t have the same importance as they had yesterday.

I’m thinking about the last conversation that I had with him.  He was still in relatively good shape and we were at a family reunion sitting in his room.  Dad always had a way of summing things up pretty concisely and he didn’t run off at the mouth too much.  But this time he was pretty excited about the topic!

He felt that computers were at the crux of everything evil in the world.  He said that they were relationship stealers and purveyors of unhealthy information.  I’m not sure that I can disagree with him right now but that night we had a very animated talk about it.

I would love to have another sweet conversation with him and listen to his point of view and cherish his humor and wit.

If any of the people sitting around me were thinking that I’m a sour person and not responding in the right way, I hope that they will visit with me another time when I’m flying from Minneapolis to Burbank.  After I get the vision of someone I love struggling to breathe out of my mind, I’ll be okay, too…just like my Dad said.

Close up: Are We Maximizing Our Efforts?

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years and after that many years we both know each other pretty well. I have habits and interests that amuse my beautiful spouse and I know a few things that are characteristic of her.

For instance, whenever she has the camera on any of our many trips, she will take at least one close up photo of a seagull, dove, flower or if we are at the tidal pools, a starfish. Our photo albums are filled with these close up pictures! As you look through our photo albums you will see wonderful human interest photos and beautiful landscapes and bam, you are staring down the nostril of a seagull! When we sit down and reminisce, we always chuckle at these pictures. It has become a little joke between us. As you can imagine, I feel I have a personal relationship with all sorts of these birds!

So when I was eating breakfast on my balcony the other morning I was visited by a whole bunch of my friends!  It always amazes me that you can be completely by yourself on the balcony without food but as soon as you bring a tiny bit of food out there you are assaulted by 20 of these flying garbage disposals.

As I always do, I warned them that they wouldn't get a bit of food. I know, insert funny mental image here! I went so far as to chase them all off but to no avail. As my wife can attest, I am not the most tidy eater in the world and just one little tidbit of food attracts a hosts of breakfast guests.

What I admired the most about the doves was their persistence.  They never give up!  You can drive them away but they slowly come back to see if you are really serious about not giving them food.  Time after time they would come back.  One had a stub for a leg and that didn't seem to bother it at all.  It was like it was telling me that having a stub leg had nothing to do with eating at all! As long as it could get to the general area, it had a great chance to get a free meal just as the other "whole" doves had at that time! This dove wasn't making any excuses!

How about us?  Are we limited in what we can accomplish by what we perceive as handicaps? Are we frozen by fear or insecurity that might keep us from really fulfilling our full potential? Perhaps we are complacent in our efforts to learn, grow, help or experience.

I have to say that sometimes I can be complacent, especially in my efforts to maximize an experience.  Not my wife!  When the perfect situation opens up for us to have the perfect experience I tend to stay put but my wife goes forward and asks the right questions at the right time and 98% of the time succeeds in her quest to improve our experience! Note to self: follow my wife's example!

Stub, the dove, as I have affectionately called it, can't use its severed leg as an excuse not to maximize its effort to obtain food. It has much more riding on its actions -- its life! It makes its own opportunities and maximizes its efforts by showing up for an opportunity for food even when the human is explaining that there is no way that is going to happen!

Do we maximize our efforts by showing up for opportunities even when someone tells us that there isn't any chance? Does our attitude dictate that we stay put or do we maximize our effort by showing up for an opportunity to learn, grow, help or experience?

Will Marré tells about his grandson's attitude after a seemingly horrible accident. It is an encouraging read.

I took some photographs of the doves on my balcony and I think I'm going to put one on my desk to remind me of Stub's example of persistence and no excuse attitude.  It's a close up.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Core Values -- Where Do We Get Started?

I am on a business trip in Hawaii -- I know, rough assignment! After checking into my hotel I decided to get a bite to eat and went to one of my favorites restaurants on Waikiki, the Tiki Grill.  It is an open air restaurant that has a nice combination of food, atmosphere and music.

It's fun to sit back and watch the tourists and the locals interact -- you can always tell the tourists because they are the ones that are taking too many pictures or are ridiculously over dressed in their Hawaiian garb that they bought from Walmart or Costco.

I observed a couple sitting next to me and they were taking pictures and having fun. They finally asked me to take a picture of them before they left for the evening. I obliged them and we began a conversation based on "where are you from" and "how long are you going to be on the Islands?"

It wasn't very hard to pinpoint where they were from because of their accent (from an American point of view!).  They were from the Margaret River area which is about an hour or so south of Perth in Western Australia. It is one of the prime wine-growing regions in all of Australia.

We had a wonderful conversation that starting out with wine and soon began (as all conversations do) to encompass politics, healthcare and education.  We began to talk about each other's country from our point of view and asked for clarification from their native point of view.  As always, we learned that not everything that we hear on the news is giving us the complete picture.

The final topic of conversation was education.  The couple from Australia included a teacher and she was concerned about the lack of attention that is given to education in Australia.  I was surprised to hear about it because in my opinion, it described some of the challenges that exist in the American school system as well.

The Aussies described overcrowded classrooms, malnourished children who could not learn, overpaid and overstaffed administrations and the lack of funding for basic programs.  Wow!  That sounds like American classrooms in many areas of the country. She went on to say that she uses her own money to feed the malnourished kids so that they have the strength to learn. She also said that a lot of the problems come from broken families and drug use.

I told them that because of my job as a counselor, I see adults that are still hung up in their teen years and are trying to raise a family based on that juvenile point of view.  In other words, they are still struggling with issues that happened to them years ago and are unable to teach a family properly because of where they are emotionally and mentally.

About this time, a resident Hawaiian couple leaned over and said, "can we make a comment?"  They told us that in their jobs that they see it all the time.  The teenager is using drugs because the parents are using drugs. The teens are disrespectful to teachers because the parents are disrespectful to teachers.  The list went on and on.

What it showed me is that the problems of the family breaking down, education losing focus and politics running amok are universal in nature. It is the trouble with human beings not the system that is operating in that country.  We all have the same problems with different political and governmental systems in place.

What needs to change is the mind and hearts of human beings so that each generation can pass on a bounty of right thinking and right behavior and not pass on all the negative traits that we hear so much about on the news today.

That starts by each one of us taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions -- easier said than done.  By putting the right information in our minds, we get the right reaction out of them. What's going into your and my mind?

Jennifer Marshall states that we should expect more from our educational system. The author urges us to take accountability for our children's education. The subject  is not without controversy -- take a read!

In Nebraska, the governor has signed anti-bullying legislation last May. This is one school's attempt to integrate core value education into their curriculum.

It is interesting to read that it is hard to control people's perceptions.  Mike McKinney highlights 5 different leaders of industry that have learned specifics lessons in life.  One of the lessons learned is that our behavior over a period of time can truly affect how people perceive us. When we are constant in conduct, people tend to be more ready to follow that right conduct.

We concluded the evening at the Tiki Grill by realizing that most people want to do what it takes to correct these problems but simply do not know how to get started.  We also agreed that we needed to start doing things that would help facilitate these corrections.  How about you?  Are you willing to take the steps to change within your sphere of influence? The change starts when we take responsibility for our thoughts and actions -- we need to educate ourselves in order to display right values.

When we continue to display right attitudes and conduct, those within our sphere of influence can more readily follow that right example.  Are we prepared to make the sacrifices of change?

We have to be prepared to do just that!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Use It While You Have It!

Over the last two weeks I have been able to visit some friends who are a bit older and are struggling with some health issues.  It has been a real education to listen to them talk to me and themselves about aging and what frustrates them.

One couple is to the point where they can't move around unless they are using walkers.  The husband has to keep his leg elevated in order for it not to throb for most of the day.  He said he is feeling the effects of growing older.  I asked him if he was frustrated by this condition and he responded that "it comes with the territory!"  I hope that I can say that when health challenges start to plague me!

Another elderly friend has suffered a couple of strokes and is in a nursing home.  She is not always able to explain clearly what she wants to convey to her listeners.  One word can mean several different things to her and the listener has to figure out what she is trying to say.  It can be a trying time for both the speaker and the listener.

I asked a speech pathologist if my friend was thinking properly and she stated the indeed she was clear in her thinking but because of the location of the stroke, could not convey with clarity what she was trying to say. How frustrating for her!

This got me thinking about communication and how we can take it for granted.  I'm sure this friend of mine that struggles to convey her thoughts would give almost anything so that she could communicate with ease with those around her.  Most of us, if given the chance, can communicate with ease yet sometimes we choose to be lazy and miscommunicate or under-communicate essential information and emotion.

George Bernard Shaw once said that the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place!

We think that we have talked to someone about something but in reality we haven't communicated anything because we haven't thought about the words we use to describe what we want to say!  Huh?

Like my friend who uses the same word for several different people, places or objects, we don't always use the right words to communicate clearly with those around us.  I see myself doing this because I want to do the shorthand version of speaking clearly.  Short hand writing is clear to the one who is trained in it but to others it doesn't mean anything.

If we take shortcuts when we communicate with others the same principle applies.  What we say may make sense to us but it doesn't mean anything to the person to whom we are talking. The words we use mean something to us but not to the person uneducated in our vocabulary. Our experiences, our emotions and the society in which we live all play a part in how and what we communicate.

When we assume what we say is easily understood especially if we are lazy in how we communicate, we risk being misunderstood or a relationship we treasure can be conflicted or a team with great potential can be mediocre.  Is it worth choosing our words carefully when we think of communication with this end result in mind?  It can be the difference between success and failure.

I'm sure my friend would give anything to back up in her life and be able to explain her intentions clearly any time that she would like to do so. Effective communication is skill that is learned but let's not take it for granted.  There may come a time when the skills we enjoy or could enjoy now won't be at our disposal.  My friend is experiencing this now.

Remember what Anthony Robbins says about communication: "To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."  Good advice!

Guy Deutscher writes a thoughtful article about how our mother tongue can shape our experience of the world.  It will help us think about how we communicate with others and that we may need to look at communication from their perspective.  You can read it here.

Mike McKinney explains how bees instinctively communicate with one another to achieve success.  He uses it as a model for our success.

I hope that we will always appreciate and strive for effective communication -- don't take something for granted that could suddenly be taken away from us.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Symbols, Words and Gardens!

I’ve just finished directing a teen camp in Southwest Washington this past week and I have to say that it was quite a satisfying experience.  It is amazing how much you can learn about yourself when working with other people, especially teens!  Teens tend to speak their minds and point out obvious truths that we might miss because of the layers of pretense and posturing that goes on in adults minds.

It was refreshing to hear the questions asked and responses given on subjects as personal as dating and hygiene and as mundane as reading habits or washing clothes.  I need to remember to answer more frankly and without pretense when asked questions about simple things in my life.

One highlight of camp for me was not necessarily directly associated with camp.  With a colleague, I walked three miles every morning during camp.  We would awake at 5:30 a.m. and walk for an hour up into the Washington woods beside the beautiful Washougal River.  I’m not sure why conversations are better during a walk but they seem to be that way.

It was hard to see these walks coming to end as well.  They cleared our minds; got us ready for the day ahead; cemented our goals in regard to camp and overall, brought us closer together as friends.

At home I walk with 3 lb. weights but I didn’t want to drag them along with me because of the size.  So my colleague and I found rocks that were about the same weight and size and used them in place of the regular weights.   It was kind of fun walking through the woods with rocks as weights – it felt as though we were going organic!

At the end of camp my colleague decided to take his “weights” home with him.  He printed his name on them and packed them in his vehicle, ready to use them when he arrived home!  I guess to me it was like a symbol.  It was a symbol of the commitment that we had made during camp.  We both want to continue to exercise and get back into better shape physically and mentally so that we can continue to excel at our professions.  The “weights” were a symbol of that commitment!

What symbols can you have or do you have in your life that can act as a reminder to stay committed to goals and behavior that will help you excel in your life or profession?  Is it important to you to have these mini-motivators in your daily routine?

Think about what can help you stay on track with whatever goals you want to achieve and find a symbol that will encourage you daily to stay committed to the path that you have chosen.  You will be surprised how motivated you will be to your goal if you have a reminder every day.  Don’t pass up this opportunity to excel!

I have discovered a new website that I think will help you excel in one area of your life – vocabulary!  For years, studies have shown a correlation between good communication skills and success in school and vocations.  You can be sent a word a day with its meaning and uses from Wordsmith.org.  I think that you will find it useful.

Kevin Eikenberry examines the proper balance between life and work. Have you ever thought about what is important as far as setting boundaries in our personal and business lives?  Can we stay off the internet at home?  Can we say no to calls that come during supposed family time?  The answers to those questions will determine whether you have balance or imbalance in your life!  Take a look!

Here is one writer's mental wandering through the garden and what memories it brings to life in general.  I hope that we can find something as simple as a garden to bring peace and reflection to our lives.  It's important to remember the simple things that we experience with a sense of context!

As I said in the beginning of this blog, I have learned a lot from the teens that I worked with at summer camp.  They taught me to be more frank and honest with my feelings and behavior and not to get entangled with layers of pretense and posturing.  It is a lesson that I shouldn't forget.  I just hope that I can help them get a sense of perspective as they make their way through their life.  Goal setting is imperative but time out with friends and family are as well.  How we tackle this aspect of our lives will determine what type of input we can give to those within our sphere of influence. Let's not take this lightly!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier 

The Camp has Begun!

Well, we made it from Roseburg to Camp Wa-Ri-Ki and have finished with the staff meetings and the camp orientation.  We have finished up a "get acquainted" activity and the camp seems to be off to a good start.  The campers and staff are full of energy and are eager to get to know each other and move on to the activities and sessions.

We have campers from many parts of the world - Australia, the UK, and many areas of the United States.  It's wonderful seeing them mix and eagerly work together for the good of the entire group.

We start the activities in earnest on Sunday and will finish up on Friday, July 16th.  In between we will practice soccer, geo-caching, ultimate frisbee, archery, theater, initiatives and a class on manners.  We will also have electives such as a dance class, horseshoes and basketball.  So as you can see we have very well rounded schedule for everyone.

The weather up here has been extremely warm.  It's been in the low 90's Fahrenheit.  We are going to take it easy for a day or two until the heat wave passes and we have more normal temperatures in the 70's.

I addressed the campers and staff tonight and talked about the importance of kindness and how kindness perpetuates itself. Conversely, when we are negative that can perpetuate itself as well.  I think it set a good foundation for the camp.

It is a good lesson for me to see the campers set aside potential road blocks and really come together and learn.  Even when there is a distraction, the campers react in a way that keeps peace and benefits the group.  I think that the adults can learn a lesson in that way.

I am sitting out on the porch of the mess hall and I can hear the wonderful laughter.  This week will go very fast -- I can tell already!

I am going to upload some pictures later on so you can see some of the action.  I think that you will enjoy seeing a peek of what we at camp see close up.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

All in a Day's Work!

Every year for the last 10 years we have coordinated or worked for a youth camp on the West Coast.  For most of those years the camp has been located in the Northwest, just north of Portland, Oregon.  Since we live in Southern California, we have driven up to the camp every year as well.  This year's trip started today at 4 a.m.

We stayed up too late waiting for the last teens to show up and to finish packing everything that we needed for the trip.  We probably didn't get to bed until midnight and then it was up at four!  It isn't a good way to stay awake during the trip north.  That's where coffee plays a pivotal role.

As we were driving I thought that with all the sleepy heads in the car (including me) there wouldn't be much interaction but I was wrong!  I guess it is easy to talk about things when everyone is excited to be on the road trip and that trip ends with a wonderful camp with other teens of like minds.  So the beginning of the trip was eventful, full of laughter and teasing.

After about 6 hours as we had made it through Sacramento, I heard a loud pop and discovered that I had a blown rear tire.  I never appreciated what those drivers went through when they were changing their tires on the side of the road.  A person can literally get "blown away" by the trucks that go screaming by on the freeway.  Try concentrating on changing a tire and not be intimidated by those big eighteen wheelers.

Did you also know that wherever you have the blown tire there will be all sorts of garbage and liquids of all sorts that are spilled on the side of the road?  You can look both ways for as far as you can see and you don't see anything like what is parked right where you had to pull over and change the tire.

We changed the tire and limped into the tire store and it was recommended that I buy a new set of tires because of the wear of my tires and because of the load that I was carrying.  We had a chance to get a bite to eat and relax in the shade.  Soon, we were back on the road once again.

This is when too little sleep, no coffee and talking a lot early in the morning kicked in for the teens.  Soon, they were all sleeping peacefully while we made our way through the beautiful vistas of Northern California.  It doesn't matter how much trouble you have, when you see beautiful landscapes that make up much of the United States, you forget the ache of the previous trouble!  If you can't do this, you need to rethink priorities!

We are now settled in with some good friends in Southern Oregon and it is good to hear the chatter once again.  They've forgotten the cramped space in the van and the delays on the road and are now laughing and teasing each other just as they did this morning.  Tomorrow morning it is up early (not 4 a.m.) and after breakfast heading up to the camp.  The teens are excited about this last leg of the trip because after dinner and laughing with their friends, the delays and frustrations of today are forgotten.

I realize now how important it is to have a good meal, relax with friends and sometimes forget the troubles that so easily weigh us down.  I've got to remember that!  It's amazing what we can learn if we just listen!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Amygdalae, Private Space and Us!

My family is very blessed to live next to a park with a walking/jogging track as I have explained to you in another post. Almost every morning I get to walk around the park using "heavy hands" to make sure my heart rate gets up there so that I can lose weight, build muscle and tone my body.

I have been keeping this routine for about 5 years and as I walk around the park the other faces change from time to time. There are very few people that were exercising 5 years ago that are still at the park exercising today. But for the last two years it seems that we have formed a pretty consistent group that walks early in the morning.

I have come to know some of the joggers/walkers by name and I look forward to saying hi every morning. It is fun to see them out there every morning laboring away at the same goal that I have for myself -- to lose weigh and/or get in shape!

There is another group that is out there everyday that will not say hi to me unless I say hi to them first. I really don't understand it because I have said hi to them a hundred times but they still look down when approaching and won't say anything unless I take the first step. It is like they have a personal space that they don't want invaded.

Every now and then my daughters walk with me and they are amused that I have a goal to say hi to everyone that is on the track in the park. My daughters say that I will have that reputation of "the man at the park that always says hi" if I keep doing what I'm doing. I think that type of reputation is one that I would like to have for myself. It is something that I try to do all the time in every situation.

One time our family was in Hawaii for a vacation and we were in the elevator with an elderly couple. I said hi and starting asking where they were from and what they were doing in Hawaii. After they got off the elevator one of my daughters asked why I talked to everyone and made the effort to communicate with this couple from Iowa. After all, she said, they could be killers or ax-murderers! I assured her that an 80 year old couple from Iowa would probably not make very good ax-murderers and that I was just trying to be friendly and build bridges.

This incident seems funny but let's put it into real life situations.

What keeps you and me from talking to each other, whether it is on the track in a park or in an elevator? You know the drill -- you stare at the floor numbers in the elevator and are painfully aware that it is taking forever to get to the floor that you are on in order so that you can jump out and go to your room and lock the door! What makes us put our head down so that we don't have to make eye contact and say hi?

It isn't just in personal relationships, either. It happens in international relationships and between businesses as well. Many things are said from afar where eye to eye contact can't be made and therefore accusations and assumptions spread more easily. It is harder to say something critical about someone when you are looking them in the eye, isn't it? Perhaps the reason we don't want to open up to people wherever we see them is that it opens up a piece of our private space to them and we feel vulnerable.

Opening up and perhaps being vulnerable is exactly what we have to do to build bridges to stronger relationships. But it takes practice! Try it sometime for an extended period of time. Try to assess if you feel more confident in how you feel about you and your private space.

It will begin to improve one little step at a time!

Mike McKinney states that we need to develop a "small-wins" strategy for success. Mike states that small-wins mentality focuses on the here and now. What is working for us now opens up our thinking to possibilities and paves the way for improving the process. Think about this strategy when it comes to communicating with someone and opening ourselves up for new possibilities for relationships.

There are a lot of movies coming out right now that are documentaries about celebrities. People apparently want to know the real story about fallen celebrities or politicians or celebrities making comebacks and the films are starting to make a splash at the box office and on television. When a disgraced celebrity agrees to cooperate with the filmmaker the tone seems to be a bit gentler because of having to look at them face to face. That's an interesting point! You can read about it here.

We might even have science on our side if we don't like talking to people or have difficulty being close to people. It might be that our amygdalae, a region in the brain that controls fear and the processing of emotion might be damaged or not functioning properly. Time.com writer John Cloud explores what this means for some of us.

So how big does our private space need to be? If it is quite large, is it hurting our chances of nurturing relationships and meeting new friends or just building bridges? I suggest that we say hi to the 80 year old couple from Iowa in the elevator and take the chance that they aren't killers or ax-murderers!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Cooking with Butter!

I watched the movie, "Julie/Julia" a couple weeks ago and had forgotten that Julia Child had died a few years ago. I had to go dig out my Julia Child & Company cookbook and look through the recipes and the history of her show on PBS. This led to a rededication to cooking with butter and having friends and family over to share a meal.

It was interesting to see how much Julia not only cooked in her kitchen but also entertained in her kitchen. To me, it was an interesting insight into what really brings people together and makes the bonds that last a lifetime. It's not that everything has to be perfect and I think that Mrs. Child would have agreed with that because of the practicality of most of her recipes. It appears that she was more concerned with the people she associated with and used food as a bridge to bring her friends and family together.

How about us? What do we do or use to bring people together? Let's back up a step and ask, "do we want to bring people together?" Is that a goal of ours? If our intent is to make relationships and communities stronger, isn't this a goal that we must make our own? Whether you want to use food or not is up to you. What vehicle could you and I use to make this happen in our families and our communities?

The economy isn't looking as good as we hear it should be on the news and I suspect that it is going to be years before we truly see relief, if we see it at all. What can you and I do to enable other people to feel strengthened in their neighborhoods and communities? When is the last time you really stopped and talked to your next door neighbors? Do you know their names? You may find that very important in the near future.

The future right now is uncertain from an economic outlook and I'm wondering if we shouldn't reassess what our priorities are toward those within our sphere of influence. Perhaps we should take a look at ourselves and see if strengthening relationships and communities is a priority for us. We may need to be more resourceful in this regard as we head into the future.

There seems to be a trend in New York City for some college educated entrepreneurs that have lost their jobs to use food as a means to make a living. In the process they are finding a family to share concerns with -- it's a community! You can read about it here.

Kevin Eikenberry says that we should find something that we can celebrate about with those within our sphere of influence. Is there family news that we can share? Is there a piece of information that could build a bridge within your relationships? If you want to read this, you can go to Kevin's blog.

I am reading a book that shows how a community in Alaska helped out one of their own after she was injured in a bike accident. "Take Good Care of the Garden and the Dogs" shows a community in action so that a resident can regain her footing in the place in which she lives. It is a novel by Heather Linde.

I have recently completed a review on a Will Marré book about having the right life balance in everything that we do. The book shows us how we must not neglect relationships as we try to find our way in the world. The book is entitled, "Save the World and Still be Home for Dinner." I think that you will find it helpful in many ways.

When you read through her books, you can see Julia Child cared for people and did what she could do to bring them together. She didn't just bring them together she gave them an environment to get to know each other much better than before and to excel as a "family."

What are we going to do to strengthen our relationships and community? I'm going to cook with butter more often and start to exercise rigorously!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Are We Enjoying the Journey?

If you have read very many of my blogs, you will come to realize that I am a big proponent of goal setting. If we don't write down our goals and the road blocks that might occur we will never achieve our true potential. We won't have a road map to follow so we end up somewhere else besides where we want our dreams to take us.

I wonder though if some of us are so goal oriented that we forget the journey that we are on. There is no one who is on this journey alone. All of us have people that care for us, unique environments that surround us and challenges and decisions that can and will define us. Have we come to appreciate the day to day blessings that come by interacting and working with special people and families?

Do we strive for our goals at a pace that precludes any interaction and appreciation of what happens before our very eyes if we are conscious enough to notice it?

Many times we miss so much because we are going through personal trials that blind us to other's needs and desires. Even under substantial stress we should be able to appreciate someone else's needs or wants if we look for it.

Do we appreciate the milestones that happen in our children's lives or our friend's accomplishments that we might unintentionally overlook or undervalue? Do we see the bond that is building between our teenager and our mate? Do we appreciate the effort that our maturing children are taking to communicate, learn and grow? Do we comment on it and add to the sum of the parts?

Have we surveyed what is at our disposal and how it helps us to become a complete person? Do we realize that we are more than just the sum of all our individual parts? When we combine with all the elements around us, we receive strength beyond our resources! Don't diminish the journey and the impact that it should have on us. As I have said before, most of us do not slow down long enough to catch the details.

I am reading a novel by Paul Polak entitled, "Out of Poverty". Polak muses over the traditional ways of fighting poverty. The Western brand of poverty eradication is throwing money at a situation. If it doesn't work we funnel more money at the problem and it still doesn't work. Why not?

Polak states that is because we don't go to the people and listen to what they know is the problem. We make our minds up ahead of time and bulldoze our way to the goal we think is in their mind. It hasn't worked and it never will. When will we as a society and culture stop bulldozing and start listening? Most organizations that help don't listen to the details -- we as members of this society must start to listen! Polak states that we must listen and then think simply in order for success to happen.

You can take a look at the book here.

Some of us have been thrown into situations that are less than ideal. We aren't given concrete guidelines or expectations to govern our plans and that can cause stress for ourselves and those within our sphere of influence. Steve Roesler states that we need feedback from the people who are going to help us the most. Do we stop to listen to them?

Courageous people take the time to assess the journey and contribute in ways that enhance the sum of our parts. Miep Gies was one of those people. She didn't discount the importance of looking around for fellow sojourners and offering help -- she has left us with a legacy of hope and sustainability.

All of us have the opportunity to do something small but important that enhances someone else's life and at the same time, ours as well. What is it that you and I can notice on the way to accomplishing our goals and dreams?

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier