I'll Be Okay!

It was tough getting on the plane in Minneapolis yesterday.  I had just said goodbye to my father who is in the final stages of congestive heart failure and he wasn’t doing very well.

We have seen quite a bit of each other over the last years and many times we have looked each other in the eyes and said, “I love you” and knew that we both meant it but today was different.  I was looking to comfort him but it was he who was doing the comforting.

I asked him if he was all right and he responded that he was going to be okay.  What? He’s dying of heart failure and he’s the one that is okay? I have had to wipe back tears several times just thinking about the courage that he has knowing that he is probably not going to be on this earth much longer.

As I was riding on the plane, I just kept staring at the pen that I was holding and nervously picking at the design on it hoping that no one would notice that I was trying not to talk to anyone or look anywhere because I didn’t want to have to say anything to anyone for fear of losing it.  I probably looked pretty sour.

That got me thinking that I probably need to steer clear of judging people when they don’t act the way I want them to act or answer in an “up” way when I am in an “up” mood.  It is easy to place a negative label on people when they aren’t responding the way we think they should respond.  I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.  Sorry!

I remember a story in one of Stephen Covey’s books where a father was on the subway with his children and the children were completely out of control.  The kids were very annoying and the father wasn’t doing anything to curb their behavior.  Finally, someone (I think Mr. Covey) said something to the fact that his children were out of control and he looked up and said, “oh, my wife died today”. 

That wasn’t the complete quote but you get the idea.  His mind was on other things and now your feelings toward this man changed from annoyance to empathy.  Now we understand why he wasn’t so sharp in the guidance of his children.

Have we ever stopped to think about the other person’s actions or behavior first?  Could there be a reason behind it? It’s hard to do, isn’t it?  Well, I’ve just received a big jolt of “think of the other person before opening mouth or pronouncing judgment.”  It’s kind of humbling but necessary when we get too full of ourselves.

All of the accomplishments, accolades and awards come crashing down around me when I think of my father lying in that hospital bed fighting to take his next breath.  Some things just don’t have the same importance as they had yesterday.

I’m thinking about the last conversation that I had with him.  He was still in relatively good shape and we were at a family reunion sitting in his room.  Dad always had a way of summing things up pretty concisely and he didn’t run off at the mouth too much.  But this time he was pretty excited about the topic!

He felt that computers were at the crux of everything evil in the world.  He said that they were relationship stealers and purveyors of unhealthy information.  I’m not sure that I can disagree with him right now but that night we had a very animated talk about it.

I would love to have another sweet conversation with him and listen to his point of view and cherish his humor and wit.

If any of the people sitting around me were thinking that I’m a sour person and not responding in the right way, I hope that they will visit with me another time when I’m flying from Minneapolis to Burbank.  After I get the vision of someone I love struggling to breathe out of my mind, I’ll be okay, too…just like my Dad said.