The Mirror of Friendship!

I have just returned from directing a teen camp in Southwest Washington. It was a wonderful experience and something that I relish from year to year.

I chauffeured 5 teens up to the camp and 5 teens back to California on a road trip that was quite enjoyable considering the energy and interests of the teens with me. I had a great time!

It is amazing the beauty that you can see on one of these road trips. Sometimes we need to stop and look around and let the natural beauty of what surrounds us soak into our minds. I think most of us have a "Phoenix by sunset" mentality when we travel and that limits our ability to allow this to happen. When we slow down we notice things that we wouldn't normally see if we are in a hurry.

One of the things I noticed, especially in Oregon, was the clear-cutting of the forests that had taken place. I'm not here to judge whether that is right or wrong but it did startle me. There were many places where there was a thin line of trees that had been left standing to cover up the clear cutting that I could see from the freeway. It was just a facade! It didn't change the fact that what appeared to be a beautiful stand of douglas firs was simply a thin line of trees to cover up what was behind it.

Sometimes I wonder if we aren't that way in our lives. We have a thin veneer of a facade but behind this facade is something that is different than what most everyone else sees. We think that what is behind is covered up by this facade but almost everyone can see the real landscape if they slow down and take a look.

There are two aspects to this analogy -- we deceive ourselves by thinking that we have covered up what is really inside us and secondly, how many of us slow down so that we can really observe what is going on in someone's life? Perhaps there is a chance for a comment that could help.

George Herbert states that the best mirror is an old friend. We need to be very careful in our approach but we need to help our friends when they are in need! Think about the person that is walking around with their shirt buttoned unevenly -- it looks really odd! You go to that person and tell them what everyone else except for them can see. Shouldn't it be the same way with our personal shortcomings and blemishes? We wouldn't want our friends (or anyone) to go around thinking they are fine but everyone else can see what is wrong. We go to our friends and gently provide the mirror for them.

Conversely, we know when we are off base, mostly. We know when we aren't living up to the standards that we hold dear to us. What usually needs to be done is painful to change but afterwards a quiet, satisfied feeling accompanies being able to overcome something that had kept us from fulfilling our potential. Together, we become stronger!

When someone is performing the delicate task of being a mirror, please don't react harshly. What I have found is that even if I don't agree with the person that is approaching me, I can find useful critique to help me become a better person. It takes courage to listen without getting our defenses up.

I have included a picture of my favorite spot in the Northwest -- I hope that you find it inspiring! Also, I have included a link to an article in the NY Times about summer camps and one danger that goes along with attending some of them.

Steve Roesler states that character and persistence trump adversity -- it's a valuable lesson to have learned when we find ourselves face to face with the need to change. It can be done!

Remember what Goethe says about friendship: "Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

What's Our Legacy?

I have just returned from a funeral of a very dear friend. She had struggled so much in the last two years just to stay alive. There were so many times in the recent past that I had thought that she was going to slip away but she always seemed to rally. Although, each time it seemed as though she went a little farther into her regression of health.

She was a fighter and someone who had always believed in truth. She didn't compromise even on the little things. I made that assessment awhile ago but it was confirmed today at the funeral by her own children. They all told me that their mother left an indelible impression on all their lives in this area of discipline -- she wouldn't compromise in the little things.

I stood looking at the children and the grandchildren all gathered together mourning the death of their beloved mother and I got a sense that somehow this attention to detail had bonded them together so tightly as a family. They were laughing together and crying together as well.

At one point, I stood up and said that my friend had told me something about the family that really touched me. There was a nervous laugh and a chuckle among them but I said that it was a good thing and they all laughed. I told them that my friend wanted me to know all of them and so my friend had sent me an email that contained names and pictures of the entire family so that I could put faces to names. I had become, in some small way, a part of their family. My friend had taught them that.

She had left a legacy for all of us to see and appreciate.

What about us? What legacy are we building now? Are we consistent in our ways as my friend was in her attention to detail? Have we made an effort to be inclusive in our relationships with others? Are our friends familiar with our nuclear families? It is something we should consider.

In our families as well in our vocations, people will follow our example if we can delineate that example and give those within our sphere of influence vision. Kevin Eikenberry explains this in his latest blog. In this way, we can leave a legacy.

Speaking of our sphere of influence, what type of leader are we? Is it a gloomy day continually within our organization or family? What type of personality qualities allow health and healing in the relationships within our sphere of influence? Focus on the Family lists laughter as a healer of relationships and a way to cope with the stresses of life that affect those relationships.

Mike McKinney shows us that when we stand up and lead in the right way, it can help those around us make the type of decisions that necessarily bring good results. You can read about it here.

All of these links show us how to build and leave a legacy that can affect others not just now but well past the time we are on this earth. I have chosen to focus on the positive of my friend's life because of what she has accomplished. I don't mean to diminish the grief that comes along with the death of loved ones and good friends.

If you are having trouble making it through this type of grief please look for resources that can help you cope with the loss of family and friends. Vision.org has several articles that will help you make sense out of the situation and point you toward resources that will help you cope with the loss.

I walked away from my friend's funeral with a new appreciation for what she had done within her sphere of influence and what we can still do within ours as well...but I will still miss her!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier