About two weeks ago my family and I went to a beautiful wedding of a close friend. It was such a wonderful occasion to see this young lady's hopes and dreams of finding the right mate for herself fulfilled.
What impressed me the most was that both our friend and her husband had determined long ago that they were going to wait until the right person came along and then marry before consummating their relationship physically. Sometimes that seems a little old-fashioned in this modern day and thinking.
From movies, novels, and talk-shows, we are told that living together is okay. In fact, it is more than okay, it is expected! We get bombarded daily (if we watch television daily) with the fact the it is just a normal rite of life. I'm not sure too many people stop to think whether or not this is something that as a society we should do. In fact, is it healthy for a society to conduct itself in this way?
Before you quit reading, please hear me out. You might think that it is old fashioned or narrow-minded to think that cohabiting might have some drawbacks but listen first to some statistics.
FACTS ABOUT COHABITATION*
1. Nearly 6 million couples are currently cohabiting.
2. Cohabitation has increased 10 fold since 1970 when only 500,000
couples cohabited.
3. 60-75% of couples in their first marriages are cohabiting and 80-85% in
remarriages cohabit before their wedding.
4. Most studies clearly find that cohabitation before marriages decreases
marital satisfaction and increases divorce rate.
5. There is a 50% increase in the divorce rate if a couple cohabits before
marriage.
6. About half (55%) of cohabiting couples get married within 5 years of living
together, 40% breakup and 10% stay together without getting married.
7. About 40% of cohabiting women have children with their partner, many of
which are unplanned pregnancies.
8. It is predicted that 40% of all children will at some point live in a
cohabiting household.
9. Almost two-thirds of teenagers believe (66% boys; 60% girls) that it is a
good idea to live together before marriage.
*(Facts are taken from the U.S. Census Bureau and from studies summarized in
the book by Olson, DeFrain and Skogrand (2008) Marriage and Family,
McGraw-Hill.)
These are just facts from the U.S Census Bureau! There isn't any religious dogma attached to this. It amazes me that the divorce rate is higher for cohabiting couples than those that don't. Marital satisfaction drops for those cohabiting as well. What changes for the relationship when a couple decides not to wait to live together and consummate their relationship before marriage? Can the ideal of lifelong commitment be shattered if the relationship takes a shortcut?
Could it also be that men and women have different emotional needs? About now, the women that are reading this post are falling out of their chairs in laughter. Does that question even need to be asked? Of course women have different emotional needs than men! Let's ask this question in the context of consummating a relationship before marriage -- can it have a devastating emotional effect on the longevity of the relationship? Apparently, it can!
The way that men and women look at a casual sexual relationship is apparently different. This difference looks as though it might cause emotional shortfalls in the relationship as time goes by.
Ashley Herzog, in an article written in 2007, quotes two books that shed some light on how detrimental casual sexual relationships can be to the women in those relationships.
First, Dr. Miriam Grossman makes a medical case for waiting to consummate a relationship before marriage. Next, Laura Sessions Step shows that women neglect their own emotional needs when they settle for casual sexual relationships. You can read about it here.
In addition to the emotional stress that this can cause women of any age, there could be an added burden of an unwanted pregnancy as well. Many times when this happens, it is the woman who is parenting the child alone.
Tom Fitzpatrick chronicles the demographic decline of two-parent families in both the U.S. and the U.K. There are more potential challenges to consummating relationships before marriage then is first realized. It is worth a second look!
Our family walked away from that wedding knowing that our friend and her new husband had made the right choice and were going to have the tools necessary to have a happy relationship and the inner strength to start a family if that is what they both wanted to do.
As far as commitments go, this was ideal!
Until next time,
Jerry de Gier
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