The Mirror of Friendship!

I have just returned from directing a teen camp in Southwest Washington. It was a wonderful experience and something that I relish from year to year.

I chauffeured 5 teens up to the camp and 5 teens back to California on a road trip that was quite enjoyable considering the energy and interests of the teens with me. I had a great time!

It is amazing the beauty that you can see on one of these road trips. Sometimes we need to stop and look around and let the natural beauty of what surrounds us soak into our minds. I think most of us have a "Phoenix by sunset" mentality when we travel and that limits our ability to allow this to happen. When we slow down we notice things that we wouldn't normally see if we are in a hurry.

One of the things I noticed, especially in Oregon, was the clear-cutting of the forests that had taken place. I'm not here to judge whether that is right or wrong but it did startle me. There were many places where there was a thin line of trees that had been left standing to cover up the clear cutting that I could see from the freeway. It was just a facade! It didn't change the fact that what appeared to be a beautiful stand of douglas firs was simply a thin line of trees to cover up what was behind it.

Sometimes I wonder if we aren't that way in our lives. We have a thin veneer of a facade but behind this facade is something that is different than what most everyone else sees. We think that what is behind is covered up by this facade but almost everyone can see the real landscape if they slow down and take a look.

There are two aspects to this analogy -- we deceive ourselves by thinking that we have covered up what is really inside us and secondly, how many of us slow down so that we can really observe what is going on in someone's life? Perhaps there is a chance for a comment that could help.

George Herbert states that the best mirror is an old friend. We need to be very careful in our approach but we need to help our friends when they are in need! Think about the person that is walking around with their shirt buttoned unevenly -- it looks really odd! You go to that person and tell them what everyone else except for them can see. Shouldn't it be the same way with our personal shortcomings and blemishes? We wouldn't want our friends (or anyone) to go around thinking they are fine but everyone else can see what is wrong. We go to our friends and gently provide the mirror for them.

Conversely, we know when we are off base, mostly. We know when we aren't living up to the standards that we hold dear to us. What usually needs to be done is painful to change but afterwards a quiet, satisfied feeling accompanies being able to overcome something that had kept us from fulfilling our potential. Together, we become stronger!

When someone is performing the delicate task of being a mirror, please don't react harshly. What I have found is that even if I don't agree with the person that is approaching me, I can find useful critique to help me become a better person. It takes courage to listen without getting our defenses up.

I have included a picture of my favorite spot in the Northwest -- I hope that you find it inspiring! Also, I have included a link to an article in the NY Times about summer camps and one danger that goes along with attending some of them.

Steve Roesler states that character and persistence trump adversity -- it's a valuable lesson to have learned when we find ourselves face to face with the need to change. It can be done!

Remember what Goethe says about friendship: "Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

What's Our Legacy?

I have just returned from a funeral of a very dear friend. She had struggled so much in the last two years just to stay alive. There were so many times in the recent past that I had thought that she was going to slip away but she always seemed to rally. Although, each time it seemed as though she went a little farther into her regression of health.

She was a fighter and someone who had always believed in truth. She didn't compromise even on the little things. I made that assessment awhile ago but it was confirmed today at the funeral by her own children. They all told me that their mother left an indelible impression on all their lives in this area of discipline -- she wouldn't compromise in the little things.

I stood looking at the children and the grandchildren all gathered together mourning the death of their beloved mother and I got a sense that somehow this attention to detail had bonded them together so tightly as a family. They were laughing together and crying together as well.

At one point, I stood up and said that my friend had told me something about the family that really touched me. There was a nervous laugh and a chuckle among them but I said that it was a good thing and they all laughed. I told them that my friend wanted me to know all of them and so my friend had sent me an email that contained names and pictures of the entire family so that I could put faces to names. I had become, in some small way, a part of their family. My friend had taught them that.

She had left a legacy for all of us to see and appreciate.

What about us? What legacy are we building now? Are we consistent in our ways as my friend was in her attention to detail? Have we made an effort to be inclusive in our relationships with others? Are our friends familiar with our nuclear families? It is something we should consider.

In our families as well in our vocations, people will follow our example if we can delineate that example and give those within our sphere of influence vision. Kevin Eikenberry explains this in his latest blog. In this way, we can leave a legacy.

Speaking of our sphere of influence, what type of leader are we? Is it a gloomy day continually within our organization or family? What type of personality qualities allow health and healing in the relationships within our sphere of influence? Focus on the Family lists laughter as a healer of relationships and a way to cope with the stresses of life that affect those relationships.

Mike McKinney shows us that when we stand up and lead in the right way, it can help those around us make the type of decisions that necessarily bring good results. You can read about it here.

All of these links show us how to build and leave a legacy that can affect others not just now but well past the time we are on this earth. I have chosen to focus on the positive of my friend's life because of what she has accomplished. I don't mean to diminish the grief that comes along with the death of loved ones and good friends.

If you are having trouble making it through this type of grief please look for resources that can help you cope with the loss of family and friends. Vision.org has several articles that will help you make sense out of the situation and point you toward resources that will help you cope with the loss.

I walked away from my friend's funeral with a new appreciation for what she had done within her sphere of influence and what we can still do within ours as well...but I will still miss her!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Focus on the Small Things for Effectiveness!

Over the past two weeks, I have had the opportunity to learn an important lesson from two different situations that are totally unrelated. The first was an interpersonal relationship that needed mending and the second was an article that I am researching for Vision.org website. What was the lesson that I learned?

To be effective, I need to focus on the small things!

This may at first seem ineffective but not when it comes to important actions and tasks in our lives. I thought I was prepared and what I had done was to overlook a part of both of these situations that undermined my effectiveness. I didn't focus on the small things of each situation.

Sometimes we tend to be caught up in the obvious part of a situation and forget to look for the small actions or emotions that really make a difference. It takes action to find out what these small but important contributors are so we can be the most effective. You may not realize this but intellectual or physical laziness can limit our will to take action to find out what would be the best way to resolve relationship differences or complete a task at hand.

The relationship that I am referring to was mended but it could have been welded together if I had taken stock of my emotions and been willing to open up a bit more. I didn't do that at the time of the meeting because I hadn't prepared myself to go there emotionally. It caught me off guard! I didn't think I was going to have to go there.

In regards to the article that I am researching for Vision.org website, I had forgot to focus on a small but important part of the subject that I was researching -- I didn't think it was important because I had overlooked that part of the subject for a while. It turns out that it is a very important part of the subject and I am not prepared to write about it because I am not yet prepared in this area. Here are two illustrations of how not being prepared with the finer details of a situation can limit our effectiveness.

What can we do to avoid this? Be circumspect in all of our dealings with people and issues! Take time to review and rethink each situation or task -- don't rush into things without bringing all the issues onto the table. We forget sometimes, don't we?

An effective way to solve this oversight is to do a checklist before moving forward. I teach this principle all the time so why didn't I do it? I forgot! I got lazy! Kevin Eikenberry talks about this in one of his latest blogs.

Speaking of small things, I read an article in the NY Times this morning that made a lot of sense. It talked about listening to our bodies when we are exercising or eating. Sometimes it is hard to get a bead on what our bodies are saying but if we listen, it will tell us. It could make a huge difference whether we can lose weight or maintain our weight or just get in shape.

I hope that we will focus on these small things and not limit our effectiveness by thinking they are not important.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

The Ideal Commitment!

About two weeks ago my family and I went to a beautiful wedding of a close friend. It was such a wonderful occasion to see this young lady's hopes and dreams of finding the right mate for herself fulfilled.

What impressed me the most was that both our friend and her husband had determined long ago that they were going to wait until the right person came along and then marry before consummating their relationship physically. Sometimes that seems a little old-fashioned in this modern day and thinking.

From movies, novels, and talk-shows, we are told that living together is okay. In fact, it is more than okay, it is expected! We get bombarded daily (if we watch television daily) with the fact the it is just a normal rite of life. I'm not sure too many people stop to think whether or not this is something that as a society we should do. In fact, is it healthy for a society to conduct itself in this way?

Before you quit reading, please hear me out. You might think that it is old fashioned or narrow-minded to think that cohabiting might have some drawbacks but listen first to some statistics.

FACTS ABOUT COHABITATION*

1. Nearly 6 million couples are currently cohabiting.

2. Cohabitation has increased 10 fold since 1970 when only 500,000

couples cohabited.

3. 60-75% of couples in their first marriages are cohabiting and 80-85% in

remarriages cohabit before their wedding.

4. Most studies clearly find that cohabitation before marriages decreases

marital satisfaction and increases divorce rate.

5. There is a 50% increase in the divorce rate if a couple cohabits before

marriage.

6. About half (55%) of cohabiting couples get married within 5 years of living

together, 40% breakup and 10% stay together without getting married.

7. About 40% of cohabiting women have children with their partner, many of

which are unplanned pregnancies.

8. It is predicted that 40% of all children will at some point live in a

cohabiting household.

9. Almost two-thirds of teenagers believe (66% boys; 60% girls) that it is a

good idea to live together before marriage.

*(Facts are taken from the U.S. Census Bureau and from studies summarized in

the book by Olson, DeFrain and Skogrand (2008) Marriage and Family,

McGraw-Hill.)

These are just facts from the U.S Census Bureau! There isn't any religious dogma attached to this. It amazes me that the divorce rate is higher for cohabiting couples than those that don't. Marital satisfaction drops for those cohabiting as well. What changes for the relationship when a couple decides not to wait to live together and consummate their relationship before marriage? Can the ideal of lifelong commitment be shattered if the relationship takes a shortcut?

You can read about this on Dr. Olson's site.

Could it also be that men and women have different emotional needs? About now, the women that are reading this post are falling out of their chairs in laughter. Does that question even need to be asked? Of course women have different emotional needs than men! Let's ask this question in the context of consummating a relationship before marriage -- can it have a devastating emotional effect on the longevity of the relationship? Apparently, it can!

The way that men and women look at a casual sexual relationship is apparently different. This difference looks as though it might cause emotional shortfalls in the relationship as time goes by.

Ashley Herzog, in an article written in 2007, quotes two books that shed some light on how detrimental casual sexual relationships can be to the women in those relationships.

First, Dr. Miriam Grossman makes a medical case for waiting to consummate a relationship before marriage. Next, Laura Sessions Step shows that women neglect their own emotional needs when they settle for casual sexual relationships. You can read about it here.

In addition to the emotional stress that this can cause women of any age, there could be an added burden of an unwanted pregnancy as well. Many times when this happens, it is the woman who is parenting the child alone.

Tom Fitzpatrick chronicles the demographic decline of two-parent families in both the U.S. and the U.K. There are more potential challenges to consummating relationships before marriage then is first realized. It is worth a second look!

Our family walked away from that wedding knowing that our friend and her new husband had made the right choice and were going to have the tools necessary to have a happy relationship and the inner strength to start a family if that is what they both wanted to do.

As far as commitments go, this was ideal!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

It's Not a Diet, It's a Way of Life!

I was sitting in my doctor's office about six month's ago on a followup visit for a sleeping disorder that I have called sleep apnea. We talked about what would help relieve the symptoms of this disorder and how I could get extra help with it.

He said that if I would lose some weight the disorder would be less affecting on my sleep patterns. Why is weight always a factor in a healthy lifestyle? Why can't we be overweight and healthy (I say with tongue firmly in cheek)? My doctor and I talked about losing weight and being on a diet not as a one time occasion but as a lifestyle change. We concluded that it had to be a change of mind and habits for a lifetime.

I wonder how many of us think about change in that way? Do we think of overcoming anger or other emotional bad habits as a one time occasion or do we envision it as a lifestyle change -- something that we will enact in our lives continually?

How about our eating habits? Statistics show us that many Americans are overweight and out of shape because of the food we eat and the lack of exercise. We can't just go to the gym once every month and think that it is going to change our life. It has to be a sustained, focused practice that targets goals that we have made for a lifetime!

It is the same with our eating habits. How much processed food do we eat compared to the natural fruits and vegetables? How much do we snack on and what do we snack on? These are questions that will shed a lot of light on why we might not have the energy we need or the confidence we need to lead a productive, prosperous life.

We are coming into the time of year when there will be a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables available for us at farmer's markets, roadside stands and co-ops. Be sure to take the precautionary measure to wash all of the produce before eating it and look to make sure that it is good quality.

Sarah Ince takes a look at how co-ops can really help you find affordable, healthy fruits and vegetables. She chronicles it on her blog called Natural Family.

Both Sarah and the NY Times show the benefit of eating fresh fruit in a variety of ways. Here is an article about drinking fruit, (not fruit juice) not eating it. You'll find out why it is important to have enough fruit in your diet. Martha Rose Shulman, fitness and nutrition writer for the Times show how easy it is to make tasty smoothies and add this as a healthy benefit to your family's diet.

Exercise and diet can be accomplished as easily as drinking more water and walking around a park 3 times a week for 20 minutes each time. The web site 7 Natural Laws can show you how to not just lose weight but get into great shape by eating right, exercising, getting the proper amount of sleep and and allotting leisure time for your family. You can receive their newsletter and get on their mailing list.

The program they use is called Balance (it's an acronym). It is a good idea to have balance in our diet and exercise program as well.

You can find archived articles about how diet and stress-reducing activities can help you get in shape and lower the chance of the stress affecting your health. Here's a quote from an article by Alice Abler:

One way to achieve this dual goal is to concentrate on stress-free, healthy mealtimes. Eliminating high-fat, high-sugar, processed foods from the diet and concentrating on making mealtime relaxing can make a huge difference over time.

You can read about it at Vision.org.

Remember, it isn't just a diet, it is a way of life!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Our Reputation: A Valuable Asset

I am sorting through many different applications for camper and staff positions for the camp that I direct in the southwest part of Washington State. We hold the camp in July in a beautiful spot in the Northwest called Camp Wa-Ri-Ki (Washougal River Kiwanis) near Washougal, Washington.

In order for the young people to be accepted they must have the approval of a mentor which in most cases is their local Church pastor. Just as beauty surrounds the camp in the way of mountains, rivers and trees, the young people applying for staff positions must have that type of beauty within. It goes a long way to ensure that the best result comes out of the camp experience for both the campers and staff.

In order to make decisions about the potential staff member, we ask their personal reference about their character and reputation. Sometimes, something that they have done in the past can come back to haunt them and keep them from participating at the camp. If they would be allowed to go, their effectiveness could be hindered simply because of a damaged reputation brought on by thoughtless acts.

We have probably all suffered this when we have acted foolishly and something has tarnished our reputation and our effectiveness was severely hampered. We need to realize how valuable a commodity a good reputation can be for us.

Corporations are starting to take notice that how the public perceives them and the products they sell goes a long way to help them compete effectively with their competition. This Business Week article chronicles that it takes more than just hyping your product, it means that the product has to produce the results that are advertised.

That is much like our personal reputations. If we say we are going to do something, we better follow through with it. Our reputation depends on it. People will soon find out that we are all talk and no substance. If we want to be counted on as a trustworthy person we better conduct ourselves in a trustworthy way.

In Kevin Eikenberry's blog, he gives us five ways to serve others as a Leader. One of the areas of service is that of caring. Do those in our sphere of influence know that we care? When they do, they can trust us and we can move forward in our relationship with them. Let them know by your actions that you care for them and want what is best for them. As Eikenberry states, everything that you may enact will not always be agreed on but your reputation will be enhanced when they see everything that you do is motivated by servant leadership.

Finally, I thought that you might be interested to know that on this day, May 18, 1980, the Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington state exploded, leaving 57 people dead or missing. That has been 29 years ago and many of us have that memory etched in our minds.

What we saw happen in the way of service and leadership at that time was outstanding to say the least. Many people risked their lives to help others -- we became a better society for it.

KATU-TV in Portland, Oregon has an article and video on it and wired.com shows a before and after!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Education: the Missing Dimension

I happened to be looking for a program on the television yesterday morning and I happened upon a program that was highlighting a young girl's lifestyle in hopes that she would change. What was her lifestyle? Her goal was to have sex with as many young men as possible and hoping get pregnant with her "favorite" and have a child with this young man and live happily ever after.

What were the parameters of this relationship? The young lady had dropped out of school and her boyfriend was a 16 year old high school dropout as well. The show's host asked the young lady if she really expected this young man to stick with her after she had the baby and she very confidently stated that she did expect him to do just that!

The backdrop to this entire scenario is the mother of the young lady who brought this to the show host's attention in the first place. She had made many of the same mistakes and had raised the young lady in a single parent family and could see where this young lady was heading.

What was discouraging was that the young lady was pompous and vulgar. She needed instruction so that she could move out of the parent's shadow and see clearly the lifestyle that she was leading was headed for personal and familial disaster.

I like a quote that Gina Stepp chronicles in her article "Teen Pregnancy: The Tangled Web". She is quoting Thomas Hoffman, one of the researchers who compiled a journal entitled, "Adolescence". Education seems to be the seminal ingredient in changing perceptions among teens and young adults regarding pregnancy.

“Sometimes after a teenager experiences one pregnancy, she ends up pregnant again within the next couple of years,” says Hoffman. “And then pregnant again after that—not necessarily marrying the father, or even setting up a household with the father or fathers. So the story isn’t over once a teen gets pregnant the first time. There is still a need for education.” Sometimes, perhaps, parents need to be educated as much as teens.

It appears that parents and teens both need to be educated. My question to parents is, "are we talking to our teens and giving them the information to make the right choices?" Are we making them feel secure in our home?

Most likely, if we are talking to our teens, what is important to us will be important to the teen i.e. reading, education, good language, careers and mature relationships.

Education is something that should never end in our lives. We should be on a constant quest to learn more as we mature in our lives. Knowledge properly understood brings wisdom and a life that is girded by supports that last a lifetime, withstanding the trials of the day.

Mike McKinney has listed 10 Leadership traits that we will need for the next decade. He brings this to us via a book by Bob Johansen, entitled "Leaders Make the Future." The second point is the need for clarity. Johansen states that clarity is:

The ability to see through messes and contradictions to a future that others cannot see. Leaders are very clear about what they are making, but very flexible about how it gets made. How can you as a leader, create and communicate with clarity in confusing times – without being simplistic?

You can read that on Mike's blog.

Finally, I hope that we will take our responsibilities as parents, leaders in our sphere of influence, or as teens seriously and remember that how we behave today will affect us and others well past the time of the behavior.

Ask questions today! Talk to each other today! Care for each other today and tomorrow will have a more secure foundation than today.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier