JD's Corner

Please Pass the Manners

2011-06-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

The other day I was working out of my home office and my wife called me and said that someone was breaking in to the next door neighbor’s lot. He has the lot for sale but he doesn’t live in the area so he has asked me to look after it.

It appeared that someone had simply kicked in the front gate in order to look at the property and when I confronted the individual inside the property he became very angry.

He intimated that he had lots of money and could do what he wanted. I told him that he needed to call the broker and set up an appointment so that he didn’t have to destroy my neighbor’s property just to look at it.

His response was to go back to doing what I do on Sundays such as watching television or something!

What has happened to civility and manners?

We have heard so much about this recently but it doesn’t seem as though anyone wants to practice it anytime soon. We have heard it from all levels of society without any apparent adherence to the advice – from the givers or the receivers.

What makes our societies and us – because we make up our societies – so ready to be rude? What has happened to us that we feel we can break rules and etiquette and be angry at the person that is trying to set us straight?

I read in “Anger, The Misunderstood Emotion” by Carol Tavris that anger often comes from selfishness. We don’t get our way so we become angry. We are bothered by something or someone and we become incensed at whatever is that is in our way. I see it in myself sometimes when I am on the road.

When someone catches us doing something that we know is wrong but we have done it anyway, we probably resort to just about anything to cover up our embarrassment or uneasiness at getting caught. But it doesn’t give anyone the right to become rude or obnoxious.

Another area where we can forget our manners is at people’s homes. Unless we know the family well we can be rude by inviting ourselves over and assuming that is okay. We need to be mindful of other people’s time, privacy and belongings. It can be offensive to have unwanted guests especially when they come without gratitude.

Where does the ingratitude and rudeness begin?

A recent AP annual “rudeness poll” found that almost 70 percent of people polled thought that America, as a society, was more rude than 20 or 30 years ago. What was the cause? Parents aren’t teaching their children manners at home.

Marybeth Hicks in her blog, Family Matters, states the obvious about the AP poll!

Let's assume that a majority of the people polled are parents. That mean parents are able to see and admit a problem and realize that they are at least partly to blame for it (in this case, mostly to blame), yet they aren't changing their parenting styles or their expectations of their kids.

She goes on to say that “every mom routinely coaches her pre-schooler to use the ‘magic’ words, ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ But unfortunately, because the standards for social behavior and manners have sunk so low, we might decide it's no longer necessary to teach the rest of the rule book.”

We have to teach the rest of the rule book in order to maintain the level of civility that affords manners that are sensitive to the needs of others.

Ms. Hicks quotes Emily Post to drive home the point. "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

Please pass the good manners! Thank you!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Haircuts, Humility and Hindsight!

2010-12-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

About a week ago my wife decided that she was going to try our brand new, shiny hair clippers on my thinning hair. She has cut my hair for the entire 21 years that we have been married and I think has done a great job with just a comb and scissors.

Well, she decided that an electric clippers would be even better to cut my graying hair.

Before we started the ordeal, I muttered to her that I hoped that God wasn't using this as an opportunity to teach me humility. She asked me if she made a mistake if I would still love her and I said that I would. That kind of sounds like a setup, doesn't it?

We carefully chose the clipping attachment that gave me the chance for the longest hair after the cut. This attachment just wasn't doing the job very well for my wife so she went to the next shorter attachment. It, too, wasn't clipping the hair to my wife's approval and so she went even shorter.

Not much was said over the next 10 minutes until my wife said that I needed to be prepared for what I was about to look at in the mirror! What happened between the clippers weren't cutting enough off to being buzz cut without any input? So God was using this event as an opportunity to teach me humility!

My immediate reaction was what am I going to say to my co-workers and friends? Perhaps a preemptive strike on Facebook or Twitter might be appropriate. My mind was kind of racing at the moment. Does it really look as short as I think it does? Yes, it does!

Since this happened last week I surprise myself every time that I look in the mirror. Oh yeah, that's right. I don't have any hair left! I have started to get used to it by now though and it doesn't appear to be the earth-shattering event that I first perceived it to be.

For instance, there are a lot of advantages to having ultra short hair:

It dries instantly when I get out of the shower.

I have no need for a hair brush thus saving money.

I can drive on the freeway with the windows down and my hair never gets messed up.

Women run their fingers through my 1/4" hair (okay, so it's my wife and daughters making fun).

I can be mistaken for my better looking older brother quite easily now.

In hindsight the big deal that I thought this was going to be turned out to be an opportunity to evaluate all the positives that came out of an event that I thought was going to humiliate me. It was exactly the opposite of what I thought would happen.

How about you? What has happened in your life that you thought was humiliating only to learn later that it was a useful learning opportunity for you? When we take stock of what happens to us and what is the ultimate outcome of that event, many times we forget the useful lessons that pop up before our eyes if we are only willing to see and use them.

What I learned is that it is easy to go right to the negative side of things before ever considering the positive, helpful outcome of an event we perceive to be humbling. We need to stop and take time to evaluate the event for its true value in our lives.

Michael McKinney reviews a book entitled, "Opportunity Screams", that can be quite helpful in building relationships and businesses. The author states, “It’s all connected. Transparent, honest, caring relationships bring meaning, happiness and growth to your business and to your life.” This will help you evaluate relationships and events for their true value in your life.

Marybeth Hicks writes a thoughtful article on the need to stay committed in our marriages. She claims that we are short on commitment and long on excuses. In a study released by the Pew Research Center, it shows that Americans are not concerned for the most part about the disintegrating family. In fact, many people state that the variety of families (single parent, cohabiting partners, step families) in America are good for America.

Hicks claims that the decline of traditional families is taking an economic, social and spiritual toll on our nation. She feels that marriage is hard but definitely worth the effort.

Finally, renowned British historian, Paul Johnson, has a new book out. "Humorists" is given a positive review in the New York Times. The Times say that it will give us a good laugh. I think it is time to visit Amazon!

I think that it's important to evaluate every event in our lives for the value it can bring to our lives in a positive way. Perhaps it helps us to not take ourselves so seriously in matters that don't really weigh in as important -- especially the length of hair! Oh, that's right, it grows back!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

I'll Be Okay!

2010-10-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

It was tough getting on the plane in Minneapolis yesterday. I had just said goodbye to my father who is in the final stages of congestive heart failure and he wasn’t doing very well.

We have seen quite a bit of each other over the last years and many times we have looked each other in the eyes and said, “I love you” and knew that we both meant it but today was different. I was looking to comfort him but it was he who was doing the comforting.

I asked him if he was all right and he responded that he was going to be okay. What? He’s dying of heart failure and he’s the one that is okay? I have had to wipe back tears several times just thinking about the courage that he has knowing that he is probably not going to be on this earth much longer.

As I was riding on the plane, I just kept staring at the pen that I was holding and nervously picking at the design on it hoping that no one would notice that I was trying not to talk to anyone or look anywhere because I didn’t want to have to say anything to anyone for fear of losing it. I probably looked pretty sour.

That got me thinking that I probably need to steer clear of judging people when they don’t act the way I want them to act or answer in an “up” way when I am in an “up” mood. It is easy to place a negative label on people when they aren’t responding the way we think they should respond. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Sorry!

I remember a story in one of Stephen Covey’s books where a father was on the subway with his children and the children were completely out of control. The kids were very annoying and the father wasn’t doing anything to curb their behavior. Finally, someone (I think Mr. Covey) said something to the fact that his children were out of control and he looked up and said, “oh, my wife died today”.

That wasn’t the complete quote but you get the idea. His mind was on other things and now your feelings toward this man changed from annoyance to empathy. Now we understand why he wasn’t so sharp in the guidance of his children.

Have we ever stopped to think about the other person’s actions or behavior first? Could there be a reason behind it? It’s hard to do, isn’t it? Well, I’ve just received a big jolt of “think of the other person before opening mouth or pronouncing judgment.” It’s kind of humbling but necessary when we get too full of ourselves.

All of the accomplishments, accolades and awards come crashing down around me when I think of my father lying in that hospital bed fighting to take his next breath. Some things just don’t have the same importance as they had yesterday.

I’m thinking about the last conversation that I had with him. He was still in relatively good shape and we were at a family reunion sitting in his room. Dad always had a way of summing things up pretty concisely and he didn’t run off at the mouth too much. But this time he was pretty excited about the topic!

He felt that computers were at the crux of everything evil in the world. He said that they were relationship stealers and purveyors of unhealthy information. I’m not sure that I can disagree with him right now but that night we had a very animated talk about it.

I would love to have another sweet conversation with him and listen to his point of view and cherish his humor and wit.

If any of the people sitting around me were thinking that I’m a sour person and not responding in the right way, I hope that they will visit with me another time when I’m flying from Minneapolis to Burbank. After I get the vision of someone I love struggling to breathe out of my mind, I’ll be okay, too…just like my Dad said.

Close up: Are We Maximizing Our Efforts?

2010-09-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years and after that many years we both know each other pretty well. I have habits and interests that amuse my beautiful spouse and I know a few things that are characteristic of her.

For instance, whenever she has the camera on any of our many trips, she will take at least one close up photo of a seagull, dove, flower or if we are at the tidal pools, a starfish. Our photo albums are filled with these close up pictures! As you look through our photo albums you will see wonderful human interest photos and beautiful landscapes and bam, you are staring down the nostril of a seagull! When we sit down and reminisce, we always chuckle at these pictures. It has become a little joke between us. As you can imagine, I feel I have a personal relationship with all sorts of these birds!

So when I was eating breakfast on my balcony the other morning I was visited by a whole bunch of my friends! It always amazes me that you can be completely by yourself on the balcony without food but as soon as you bring a tiny bit of food out there you are assaulted by 20 of these flying garbage disposals.

As I always do, I warned them that they wouldn't get a bit of food. I know, insert funny mental image here! I went so far as to chase them all off but to no avail. As my wife can attest, I am not the most tidy eater in the world and just one little tidbit of food attracts a hosts of breakfast guests.

What I admired the most about the doves was their persistence. They never give up! You can drive them away but they slowly come back to see if you are really serious about not giving them food. Time after time they would come back. One had a stub for a leg and that didn't seem to bother it at all. It was like it was telling me that having a stub leg had nothing to do with eating at all! As long as it could get to the general area, it had a great chance to get a free meal just as the other "whole" doves had at that time! This dove wasn't making any excuses!

How about us? Are we limited in what we can accomplish by what we perceive as handicaps? Are we frozen by fear or insecurity that might keep us from really fulfilling our full potential? Perhaps we are complacent in our efforts to learn, grow, help or experience.

I have to say that sometimes I can be complacent, especially in my efforts to maximize an experience. Not my wife! When the perfect situation opens up for us to have the perfect experience I tend to stay put but my wife goes forward and asks the right questions at the right time and 98% of the time succeeds in her quest to improve our experience! Note to self: follow my wife's example!

Stub, the dove, as I have affectionately called it, can't use its severed leg as an excuse not to maximize its effort to obtain food. It has much more riding on its actions -- its life! It makes its own opportunities and maximizes its efforts by showing up for an opportunity for food even when the human is explaining that there is no way that is going to happen!

Do we maximize our efforts by showing up for opportunities even when someone tells us that there isn't any chance? Does our attitude dictate that we stay put or do we maximize our effort by showing up for an opportunity to learn, grow, help or experience?

Will Marré tells about his grandson's attitude after a seemingly horrible accident. It is an encouraging read.

I took some photographs of the doves on my balcony and I think I'm going to put one on my desk to remind me of Stub's example of persistence and no excuse attitude. It's a close up.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Core Values -- Where Do We Get Started?

2010-09-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

I am on a business trip in Hawaii -- I know, rough assignment! After checking into my hotel I decided to get a bite to eat and went to one of my favorites restaurants on Waikiki, the Tiki Grill. It is an open air restaurant that has a nice combination of food, atmosphere and music.

It's fun to sit back and watch the tourists and the locals interact -- you can always tell the tourists because they are the ones that are taking too many pictures or are ridiculously over dressed in their Hawaiian garb that they bought from Walmart or Costco.

I observed a couple sitting next to me and they were taking pictures and having fun. They finally asked me to take a picture of them before they left for the evening. I obliged them and we began a conversation based on "where are you from" and "how long are you going to be on the Islands?"

It wasn't very hard to pinpoint where they were from because of their accent (from an American point of view!). They were from the Margaret River area which is about an hour or so south of Perth in Western Australia. It is one of the prime wine-growing regions in all of Australia.

We had a wonderful conversation that starting out with wine and soon began (as all conversations do) to encompass politics, healthcare and education. We began to talk about each other's country from our point of view and asked for clarification from their native point of view. As always, we learned that not everything that we hear on the news is giving us the complete picture.

The final topic of conversation was education. The couple from Australia included a teacher and she was concerned about the lack of attention that is given to education in Australia. I was surprised to hear about it because in my opinion, it described some of the challenges that exist in the American school system as well.

The Aussies described overcrowded classrooms, malnourished children who could not learn, overpaid and overstaffed administrations and the lack of funding for basic programs. Wow! That sounds like American classrooms in many areas of the country. She went on to say that she uses her own money to feed the malnourished kids so that they have the strength to learn. She also said that a lot of the problems come from broken families and drug use.

I told them that because of my job as a counselor, I see adults that are still hung up in their teen years and are trying to raise a family based on that juvenile point of view. In other words, they are still struggling with issues that happened to them years ago and are unable to teach a family properly because of where they are emotionally and mentally.

About this time, a resident Hawaiian couple leaned over and said, "can we make a comment?" They told us that in their jobs that they see it all the time. The teenager is using drugs because the parents are using drugs. The teens are disrespectful to teachers because the parents are disrespectful to teachers. The list went on and on.

What it showed me is that the problems of the family breaking down, education losing focus and politics running amok are universal in nature. It is the trouble with human beings not the system that is operating in that country. We all have the same problems with different political and governmental systems in place.

What needs to change is the mind and hearts of human beings so that each generation can pass on a bounty of right thinking and right behavior and not pass on all the negative traits that we hear so much about on the news today.

That starts by each one of us taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions -- easier said than done. By putting the right information in our minds, we get the right reaction out of them. What's going into your and my mind?

Jennifer Marshall states that we should expect more from our educational system. The author urges us to take accountability for our children's education. The subject is not without controversy -- take a read!

In Nebraska, the governor has signed anti-bullying legislation last May. This is one school's attempt to integrate core value education into their curriculum.

It is interesting to read that it is hard to control people's perceptions. Mike McKinney highlights 5 different leaders of industry that have learned specifics lessons in life. One of the lessons learned is that our behavior over a period of time can truly affect how people perceive us. When we are constant in conduct, people tend to be more ready to follow that right conduct.

We concluded the evening at the Tiki Grill by realizing that most people want to do what it takes to correct these problems but simply do not know how to get started. We also agreed that we needed to start doing things that would help facilitate these corrections. How about you? Are you willing to take the steps to change within your sphere of influence? The change starts when we take responsibility for our thoughts and actions -- we need to educate ourselves in order to display right values.

When we continue to display right attitudes and conduct, those within our sphere of influence can more readily follow that right example. Are we prepared to make the sacrifices of change?

We have to be prepared to do just that!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Use It While You Have It!

2010-08-29T12:21:00.000-07:00

Over the last two weeks I have been able to visit some friends who are a bit older and are struggling with some health issues. It has been a real education to listen to them talk to me and themselves about aging and what frustrates them.

One couple is to the point where they can't move around unless they are using walkers. The husband has to keep his leg elevated in order for it not to throb for most of the day. He said he is feeling the effects of growing older. I asked him if he was frustrated by this condition and he responded that "it comes with the territory!" I hope that I can say that when health challenges start to plague me!

Another elderly friend has suffered a couple of strokes and is in a nursing home. She is not always able to explain clearly what she wants to convey to her listeners. One word can mean several different things to her and the listener has to figure out what she is trying to say. It can be a trying time for both the speaker and the listener.

I asked a speech pathologist if my friend was thinking properly and she stated the indeed she was clear in her thinking but because of the location of the stroke, could not convey with clarity what she was trying to say. How frustrating for her!

This got me thinking about communication and how we can take it for granted. I'm sure this friend of mine that struggles to convey her thoughts would give almost anything so that she could communicate with ease with those around her. Most of us, if given the chance, can communicate with ease yet sometimes we choose to be lazy and miscommunicate or under-communicate essential information and emotion.

George Bernard Shaw once said that the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place!

We think that we have talked to someone about something but in reality we haven't communicated anything because we haven't thought about the words we use to describe what we want to say! Huh?

Like my friend who uses the same word for several different people, places or objects, we don't always use the right words to communicate clearly with those around us. I see myself doing this because I want to do the shorthand version of speaking clearly. Short hand writing is clear to the one who is trained in it but to others it doesn't mean anything.

If we take shortcuts when we communicate with others the same principle applies. What we say may make sense to us but it doesn't mean anything to the person to whom we are talking. The words we use mean something to us but not to the person uneducated in our vocabulary. Our experiences, our emotions and the society in which we live all play a part in how and what we communicate.

When we assume what we say is easily understood especially if we are lazy in how we communicate, we risk being misunderstood or a relationship we treasure can be conflicted or a team with great potential can be mediocre. Is it worth choosing our words carefully when we think of communication with this end result in mind? It can be the difference between success and failure.

I'm sure my friend would give anything to back up in her life and be able to explain her intentions clearly any time that she would like to do so. Effective communication is skill that is learned but let's not take it for granted. There may come a time when the skills we enjoy or could enjoy now won't be at our disposal. My friend is experiencing this now.

Remember what Anthony Robbins says about communication: "To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others." Good advice!

Guy Deutscher writes a thoughtful article about how our mother tongue can shape our experience of the world. It will help us think about how we communicate with others and that we may need to look at communication from their perspective. You can read it here.

Mike McKinney explains how bees instinctively communicate with one another to achieve success. He uses it as a model for our success.

I hope that we will always appreciate and strive for effective communication -- don't take something for granted that could suddenly be taken away from us.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Symbols, Words and Gardens!

2010-07-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

I’ve just finished directing a teen camp in Southwest Washington this past week and I have to say that it was quite a satisfying experience. It is amazing how much you can learn about yourself when working with other people, especially teens! Teens tend to speak their minds and point out obvious truths that we might miss because of the layers of pretense and posturing that goes on in adults minds.

It was refreshing to hear the questions asked and responses given on subjects as personal as dating and hygiene and as mundane as reading habits or washing clothes. I need to remember to answer more frankly and without pretense when asked questions about simple things in my life.

One highlight of camp for me was not necessarily directly associated with camp. With a colleague, I walked three miles every morning during camp. We would awake at 5:30 a.m. and walk for an hour up into the Washington woods beside the beautiful Washougal River. I’m not sure why conversations are better during a walk but they seem to be that way.

It was hard to see these walks coming to end as well. They cleared our minds; got us ready for the day ahead; cemented our goals in regard to camp and overall, brought us closer together as friends.

At home I walk with 3 lb. weights but I didn’t want to drag them along with me because of the size. So my colleague and I found rocks that were about the same weight and size and used them in place of the regular weights. It was kind of fun walking through the woods with rocks as weights – it felt as though we were going organic!

At the end of camp my colleague decided to take his “weights” home with him. He printed his name on them and packed them in his vehicle, ready to use them when he arrived home! I guess to me it was like a symbol. It was a symbol of the commitment that we had made during camp. We both want to continue to exercise and get back into better shape physically and mentally so that we can continue to excel at our professions. The “weights” were a symbol of that commitment!

What symbols can you have or do you have in your life that can act as a reminder to stay committed to goals and behavior that will help you excel in your life or profession? Is it important to you to have these mini-motivators in your daily routine?

Think about what can help you stay on track with whatever goals you want to achieve and find a symbol that will encourage you daily to stay committed to the path that you have chosen. You will be surprised how motivated you will be to your goal if you have a reminder every day. Don’t pass up this opportunity to excel!

I have discovered a new website that I think will help you excel in one area of your life – vocabulary! For years, studies have shown a correlation between good communication skills and success in school and vocations. You can be sent a word a day with its meaning and uses from Wordsmith.org. I think that you will find it useful.

Kevin Eikenberry examines the proper balance between life and work. Have you ever thought about what is important as far as setting boundaries in our personal and business lives? Can we stay off the internet at home? Can we say no to calls that come during supposed family time? The answers to those questions will determine whether you have balance or imbalance in your life! Take a look!

Here is one writer's mental wandering through the garden and what memories it brings to life in general. I hope that we can find something as simple as a garden to bring peace and reflection to our lives. It's important to remember the simple things that we experience with a sense of context!

As I said in the beginning of this blog, I have learned a lot from the teens that I worked with at summer camp. They taught me to be more frank and honest with my feelings and behavior and not to get entangled with layers of pretense and posturing. It is a lesson that I shouldn't forget. I just hope that I can help them get a sense of perspective as they make their way through their life. Goal setting is imperative but time out with friends and family are as well. How we tackle this aspect of our lives will determine what type of input we can give to those within our sphere of influence. Let's not take this lightly!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

The Camp has Begun!

2010-07-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

Well, we made it from Roseburg to Camp Wa-Ri-Ki and have finished with the staff meetings and the camp orientation. We have finished up a "get acquainted" activity and the camp seems to be off to a good start. The campers and staff are full of energy and are eager to get to know each other and move on to the activities and sessions.

We have campers from many parts of the world - Australia, the UK, and many areas of the United States. It's wonderful seeing them mix and eagerly work together for the good of the entire group.

We start the activities in earnest on Sunday and will finish up on Friday, July 16th. In between we will practice soccer, geo-caching, ultimate frisbee, archery, theater, initiatives and a class on manners. We will also have electives such as a dance class, horseshoes and basketball. So as you can see we have very well rounded schedule for everyone.

The weather up here has been extremely warm. It's been in the low 90's Fahrenheit. We are going to take it easy for a day or two until the heat wave passes and we have more normal temperatures in the 70's.

I addressed the campers and staff tonight and talked about the importance of kindness and how kindness perpetuates itself. Conversely, when we are negative that can perpetuate itself as well. I think it set a good foundation for the camp.

It is a good lesson for me to see the campers set aside potential road blocks and really come together and learn. Even when there is a distraction, the campers react in a way that keeps peace and benefits the group. I think that the adults can learn a lesson in that way.

I am sitting out on the porch of the mess hall and I can hear the wonderful laughter. This week will go very fast -- I can tell already!

I am going to upload some pictures later on so you can see some of the action. I think that you will enjoy seeing a peek of what we at camp see close up.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

All in a Day's Work!

2010-07-07T23:16:00.000-07:00

Every year for the last 10 years we have coordinated or worked for a youth camp on the West Coast. For most of those years the camp has been located in the Northwest, just north of Portland, Oregon. Since we live in Southern California, we have driven up to the camp every year as well. This year's trip started today at 4 a.m.

We stayed up too late waiting for the last teens to show up and to finish packing everything that we needed for the trip. We probably didn't get to bed until midnight and then it was up at four! It isn't a good way to stay awake during the trip north. That's where coffee plays a pivotal role.

As we were driving I thought that with all the sleepy heads in the car (including me) there wouldn't be much interaction but I was wrong! I guess it is easy to talk about things when everyone is excited to be on the road trip and that trip ends with a wonderful camp with other teens of like minds. So the beginning of the trip was eventful, full of laughter and teasing.

After about 6 hours as we had made it through Sacramento, I heard a loud pop and discovered that I had a blown rear tire. I never appreciated what those drivers went through when they were changing their tires on the side of the road. A person can literally get "blown away" by the trucks that go screaming by on the freeway. Try concentrating on changing a tire and not be intimidated by those big eighteen wheelers.

Did you also know that wherever you have the blown tire there will be all sorts of garbage and liquids of all sorts that are spilled on the side of the road? You can look both ways for as far as you can see and you don't see anything like what is parked right where you had to pull over and change the tire.

We changed the tire and limped into the tire store and it was recommended that I buy a new set of tires because of the wear of my tires and because of the load that I was carrying. We had a chance to get a bite to eat and relax in the shade. Soon, we were back on the road once again.

This is when too little sleep, no coffee and talking a lot early in the morning kicked in for the teens. Soon, they were all sleeping peacefully while we made our way through the beautiful vistas of Northern California. It doesn't matter how much trouble you have, when you see beautiful landscapes that make up much of the United States, you forget the ache of the previous trouble! If you can't do this, you need to rethink priorities!

We are now settled in with some good friends in Southern Oregon and it is good to hear the chatter once again. They've forgotten the cramped space in the van and the delays on the road and are now laughing and teasing each other just as they did this morning. Tomorrow morning it is up early (not 4 a.m.) and after breakfast heading up to the camp. The teens are excited about this last leg of the trip because after dinner and laughing with their friends, the delays and frustrations of today are forgotten.

I realize now how important it is to have a good meal, relax with friends and sometimes forget the troubles that so easily weigh us down. I've got to remember that! It's amazing what we can learn if we just listen!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Amygdalae, Private Space and Us!

2010-06-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

My family is very blessed to live next to a park with a walking/jogging track as I have explained to you in another post. Almost every morning I get to walk around the park using "heavy hands" to make sure my heart rate gets up there so that I can lose weight, build muscle and tone my body.

I have been keeping this routine for about 5 years and as I walk around the park the other faces change from time to time. There are very few people that were exercising 5 years ago that are still at the park exercising today. But for the last two years it seems that we have formed a pretty consistent group that walks early in the morning.

I have come to know some of the joggers/walkers by name and I look forward to saying hi every morning. It is fun to see them out there every morning laboring away at the same goal that I have for myself -- to lose weigh and/or get in shape!

There is another group that is out there everyday that will not say hi to me unless I say hi to them first. I really don't understand it because I have said hi to them a hundred times but they still look down when approaching and won't say anything unless I take the first step. It is like they have a personal space that they don't want invaded.

Every now and then my daughters walk with me and they are amused that I have a goal to say hi to everyone that is on the track in the park. My daughters say that I will have that reputation of "the man at the park that always says hi" if I keep doing what I'm doing. I think that type of reputation is one that I would like to have for myself. It is something that I try to do all the time in every situation.

One time our family was in Hawaii for a vacation and we were in the elevator with an elderly couple. I said hi and starting asking where they were from and what they were doing in Hawaii. After they got off the elevator one of my daughters asked why I talked to everyone and made the effort to communicate with this couple from Iowa. After all, she said, they could be killers or ax-murderers! I assured her that an 80 year old couple from Iowa would probably not make very good ax-murderers and that I was just trying to be friendly and build bridges.

This incident seems funny but let's put it into real life situations.

What keeps you and me from talking to each other, whether it is on the track in a park or in an elevator? You know the drill -- you stare at the floor numbers in the elevator and are painfully aware that it is taking forever to get to the floor that you are on in order so that you can jump out and go to your room and lock the door! What makes us put our head down so that we don't have to make eye contact and say hi?

It isn't just in personal relationships, either. It happens in international relationships and between businesses as well. Many things are said from afar where eye to eye contact can't be made and therefore accusations and assumptions spread more easily. It is harder to say something critical about someone when you are looking them in the eye, isn't it? Perhaps the reason we don't want to open up to people wherever we see them is that it opens up a piece of our private space to them and we feel vulnerable.

Opening up and perhaps being vulnerable is exactly what we have to do to build bridges to stronger relationships. But it takes practice! Try it sometime for an extended period of time. Try to assess if you feel more confident in how you feel about you and your private space.

It will begin to improve one little step at a time!

Mike McKinney states that we need to develop a "small-wins" strategy for success. Mike states that small-wins mentality focuses on the here and now. What is working for us now opens up our thinking to possibilities and paves the way for improving the process. Think about this strategy when it comes to communicating with someone and opening ourselves up for new possibilities for relationships.

There are a lot of movies coming out right now that are documentaries about celebrities. People apparently want to know the real story about fallen celebrities or politicians or celebrities making comebacks and the films are starting to make a splash at the box office and on television. When a disgraced celebrity agrees to cooperate with the filmmaker the tone seems to be a bit gentler because of having to look at them face to face. That's an interesting point! You can read about it here.

We might even have science on our side if we don't like talking to people or have difficulty being close to people. It might be that our amygdalae, a region in the brain that controls fear and the processing of emotion might be damaged or not functioning properly. Time.com writer John Cloud explores what this means for some of us.

So how big does our private space need to be? If it is quite large, is it hurting our chances of nurturing relationships and meeting new friends or just building bridges? I suggest that we say hi to the 80 year old couple from Iowa in the elevator and take the chance that they aren't killers or ax-murderers!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Cooking with Butter!

2010-06-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

I watched the movie, "Julie/Julia" a couple weeks ago and had forgotten that Julia Child had died a few years ago. I had to go dig out my Julia Child & Company cookbook and look through the recipes and the history of her show on PBS. This led to a rededication to cooking with butter and having friends and family over to share a meal.

It was interesting to see how much Julia not only cooked in her kitchen but also entertained in her kitchen. To me, it was an interesting insight into what really brings people together and makes the bonds that last a lifetime. It's not that everything has to be perfect and I think that Mrs. Child would have agreed with that because of the practicality of most of her recipes. It appears that she was more concerned with the people she associated with and used food as a bridge to bring her friends and family together.

How about us? What do we do or use to bring people together? Let's back up a step and ask, "do we want to bring people together?" Is that a goal of ours? If our intent is to make relationships and communities stronger, isn't this a goal that we must make our own? Whether you want to use food or not is up to you. What vehicle could you and I use to make this happen in our families and our communities?

The economy isn't looking as good as we hear it should be on the news and I suspect that it is going to be years before we truly see relief, if we see it at all. What can you and I do to enable other people to feel strengthened in their neighborhoods and communities? When is the last time you really stopped and talked to your next door neighbors? Do you know their names? You may find that very important in the near future.

The future right now is uncertain from an economic outlook and I'm wondering if we shouldn't reassess what our priorities are toward those within our sphere of influence. Perhaps we should take a look at ourselves and see if strengthening relationships and communities is a priority for us. We may need to be more resourceful in this regard as we head into the future.

There seems to be a trend in New York City for some college educated entrepreneurs that have lost their jobs to use food as a means to make a living. In the process they are finding a family to share concerns with -- it's a community! You can read about it here.

Kevin Eikenberry says that we should find something that we can celebrate about with those within our sphere of influence. Is there family news that we can share? Is there a piece of information that could build a bridge within your relationships? If you want to read this, you can go to Kevin's blog.

I am reading a book that shows how a community in Alaska helped out one of their own after she was injured in a bike accident. "Take Good Care of the Garden and the Dogs" shows a community in action so that a resident can regain her footing in the place in which she lives. It is a novel by Heather Linde.

I have recently completed a review on a Will Marré book about having the right life balance in everything that we do. The book shows us how we must not neglect relationships as we try to find our way in the world. The book is entitled, "Save the World and Still be Home for Dinner." I think that you will find it helpful in many ways.

When you read through her books, you can see Julia Child cared for people and did what she could do to bring them together. She didn't just bring them together she gave them an environment to get to know each other much better than before and to excel as a "family."

What are we going to do to strengthen our relationships and community? I'm going to cook with butter more often and start to exercise rigorously!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Are We Enjoying the Journey?

2010-01-13T07:22:00.000-08:00

If you have read very many of my blogs, you will come to realize that I am a big proponent of goal setting. If we don't write down our goals and the road blocks that might occur we will never achieve our true potential. We won't have a road map to follow so we end up somewhere else besides where we want our dreams to take us.

I wonder though if some of us are so goal oriented that we forget the journey that we are on. There is no one who is on this journey alone. All of us have people that care for us, unique environments that surround us and challenges and decisions that can and will define us. Have we come to appreciate the day to day blessings that come by interacting and working with special people and families?

Do we strive for our goals at a pace that precludes any interaction and appreciation of what happens before our very eyes if we are conscious enough to notice it?

Many times we miss so much because we are going through personal trials that blind us to other's needs and desires. Even under substantial stress we should be able to appreciate someone else's needs or wants if we look for it.

Do we appreciate the milestones that happen in our children's lives or our friend's accomplishments that we might unintentionally overlook or undervalue? Do we see the bond that is building between our teenager and our mate? Do we appreciate the effort that our maturing children are taking to communicate, learn and grow? Do we comment on it and add to the sum of the parts?

Have we surveyed what is at our disposal and how it helps us to become a complete person? Do we realize that we are more than just the sum of all our individual parts? When we combine with all the elements around us, we receive strength beyond our resources! Don't diminish the journey and the impact that it should have on us. As I have said before, most of us do not slow down long enough to catch the details.

I am reading a novel by Paul Polak entitled, "Out of Poverty". Polak muses over the traditional ways of fighting poverty. The Western brand of poverty eradication is throwing money at a situation. If it doesn't work we funnel more money at the problem and it still doesn't work. Why not?

Polak states that is because we don't go to the people and listen to what they know is the problem. We make our minds up ahead of time and bulldoze our way to the goal we think is in their mind. It hasn't worked and it never will. When will we as a society and culture stop bulldozing and start listening? Most organizations that help don't listen to the details -- we as members of this society must start to listen! Polak states that we must listen and then think simply in order for success to happen.

You can take a look at the book here.

Some of us have been thrown into situations that are less than ideal. We aren't given concrete guidelines or expectations to govern our plans and that can cause stress for ourselves and those within our sphere of influence. Steve Roesler states that we need feedback from the people who are going to help us the most. Do we stop to listen to them?

Courageous people take the time to assess the journey and contribute in ways that enhance the sum of our parts. Miep Gies was one of those people. She didn't discount the importance of looking around for fellow sojourners and offering help -- she has left us with a legacy of hope and sustainability.

All of us have the opportunity to do something small but important that enhances someone else's life and at the same time, ours as well. What is it that you and I can notice on the way to accomplishing our goals and dreams?

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Do Resolutions for Change Really Work?

2009-12-29T18:35:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and many of them are full of New Year's resolutions! It is interesting to read about the desire for change in the upcoming year. There are so many different paths that people want to take. Some want to lose weight, some want to get a different job, some want world peace, some want to stop using foul language and others want "free" health insurance and the list goes on and on.

Is writing about change in our lives going to make it better? Perhaps, but what is more important than just writing, dreaming or hoping for change? Isn't making a plan and executing it that is most important?

The reason most resolutions don't work in the long run is because there isn't a plan to follow. We lay out nebulous plans for change and that is exactly what happens -- something nebulous. Well, something definite usually happens -- nothing. We can do this in many areas of our lives until the idea of bettering ourselves hasn't any meaning after a while.

A colleague of mine stated that a friend of hers wanted to go back to college to finish her degreee but has never done it. She said that the friend wanted to get it done quickly but never had the resources to start it or complete it quickly and because of that never got started on it. She said that if her friend would have just taken a course once and a while, over time, she would have finished by now. That takes vision and patience.

Will Marré was asked how long it took to write his latest book. He stated that it took 60 years of experience to put this book together. That takes patience!

People, especially Americans, want everything right now so to take slow, planned, deliberate steps is not our style. The style that many of us employ leads to letdown and ignorance. Please don't do that!

Another stumbling block that stands in our way is the useless information that many of us allow to be placed in our minds. Instead of change for the better, many of us follow the incessant messages that we receive from the society in which we live. We have a herd mentality! We see and hear it around us and we go with the flow of the society and culture that surrounds us. It actually smothers us if we allow it to do that.

What has to happen for effective change to take place? We need to monitor all the areas of input that we can receive and we must define the path that we want to take for the effective change to happen in our lives.

Please don't underestimate the self-control that this will take. Society tells us that it is an easy road to goals that are meaningful. Let me quote Frank A. Clark for an illustration! "If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." Do we believe this? If we are listening to the society in which we live, probably not! Please don't wait a lifetime to figure this out. It takes hard work to achieve our goals and we have to start sometime and somewhere.

Write your goals down and put them someplace where you can see them every day. But don't just make goals. Make a list of roadblocks that could get in the way. By writing down these roadblocks you will be reminded of them if they pop up in your way. You can then remove them on your way to effective change.

Be accountable to someone. Don't do this on your own -- it rarely works! Include someone who you know will help you move toward your goals. Don't get mad at them when they hold your feet to the fire.

Most of all, I think we need to monitor what we allow to influence us. I can't say enough about that! If you are a religious person, read the Bible more. If you are a person who relies on friends, surround yourself with friends that will build you up. If you are into self-motivation, listen to motivational speakers that teach you balance in your approach. Don't get into an "all or nothing" mentality. It doesn't bring balance into your life.

When we do this, watch patiently as we see what we put into our minds and what we act upon, actually changes our lives in a significant way. It is astounding to witness the changes that can happen in our personal lives. Don't wait -- start now!

Debbie DeSpir t at suite101.com states that we don't have to wait to teach our children how to set and achieve goals. They can be taught at a very young age how to plan for the future and achieve the dreams they desire.

"Have I become largely what people have wanted me to become?" It's a question that is pondered by someone at Thought Rocket blog. The dreams and goals that we set -- are they really ours or are we simply going along with the flow of the society that is around us? A good question to ask all of us!

Kevin Eikenberry states that we should set goals with other people as well. This is especially true with parents! Do we set family goals? In order for our family to be involved in the goals and fulfilling the goals, we must get them excited and involved in setting these goals.

Many times around this time of year there is a lot of excitement about change. Within a short period of time that change turns into inaction and the realization that we have failed again. Perhaps a different perspective needs to be acquired.

I should point out that New Year's Day is just an artificial marker in our lives year in and year out. Why does it have to be around this time of year that we make this kind of decision or goal? Why not strip away the artificial marker and make reaching our dreams and goals a life long pursuit?

I want to leave you with something that my specialist told me during an office visit. He said that many people are realizing that losing weight or dieting is not an end in itself. Losing weight, eating right, exercising and mental preparation are a lifestyle change! Are we willing to commit to a lifestyle change in order to achieve our goals and dreams? If you want to give to yourself and to others you must be prepared to do that!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

The Art of Communication

2009-12-09T08:36:00.000-08:00

I have the privilege of coordinating a fairly good sized meeting once a year for the company where I am employed. About 300 hundred people attend this yearly meeting and there is much preparation that goes into making this event successful. I have to choose the location, the staff and in some cases housing as well. It is a tough job but rewarding at its successful conclusion.

Because I have coordinated this event for several years, I have gathered a staff of some of the finest people that I have worked with in the industry. Many of the staff are repeats from year to year and know their jobs well. It is reassuring having them back year after year and knowing that they are going to do a great job in their area of expertise.

I don't have to tell them what to do in their particular responsibility because they already know what needs to be done. They size up the situation and go to work making their area of responsibility run smoothly throughout the convention. I trust them completely.

I don't know that much about security issues but I want it to be secure. I don't know very much about staffing issues but I want the convention to be adequately staffed. I don't have expertise in the area of music or information but I want that area to go well. I don't have to know all these areas but I have to communicate what I want to see as an end product.

What does this take in order for this to be accomplished? The Art of Communication! Yes, it is an art and it is an art that needs continual practice!

None of us have the time or the mental capacity to know everything about every area of concern in whatever field of work that we are currently in. It is just impossible to do this. Sometimes when we try to take all of this to ourselves we end up short-circuiting the entire operation because we aren't willing to trust and have the respect for those who have a better perspective about an area of our work than we do. What is our response to this?

Our response to this concern largely determines the success of our work in our field of endeavor.

Many people think that they communicate their concerns and opinions to others when in fact they are just talking. Communicating is so much more than just talking. The definition of communication is the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, etc. So proper communication skills includes listening as well as speaking! We listen to each other and ask questions to make sure that we have understood each other.

When we hire people to work with us we should hire people that we respect and trust. Respect is a component of good communication skills. Respect is what keeps the channels of communication open when relationships run into roadblocks! We need to develop respect for each other so that effective communication can flourish in our relationships. What does that take?

I was pleased to read Mike McKinney's blog this week because he has identified some obstacles that can get in the way of respect and good communication.

Mike is quoting from a book by Air Force fighter pilot Rob "Waldo" Waldman, entitled "Never Fly Solo". Let me give you a quote from it:

Waldo says, “There is a limit to how much you can learn on your own. A good wingman will give you mission-critical feedback, catch your errors, ask questions, and propose challenging scenarios to push you to grow in your skills and mental discipline.” Encouraging others to look out for our blind spots requires a great deal of mutual trust. “These trusted partners, male or female, are your wingmen.”

Are we building the mutual trust and respect that we need for effective communication? Mr. Waldman states that we must build it in ourselves first in order for it to take place in our sphere of influence. Whether it is your family, friendships or at work, build these components of good communication into your skill set so that your relationships will have effective communication.

Will Marré weighs in on the Tiger Woods situation and gives a balanced overview of how we should look at people in the public's eye.

Steve Wiley in The Scientist.com writes that there are communication problems in the scientific circles as well. Here's a quote:

"Open and honest debate has always been necessary for the best science, but mutual respect between the participants is necessary to make it work."

There's that aspect of respect again. It looks as though respect is essential in all areas of our endeavors in order to properly communicate and succeed.

Finally, communication is critical in cases of depression and potential suicide in teenagers. Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg states this:

“They might act angry. But what you’re communicating is: ‘I really listened, I heard you. I’m going to see that you get help, I’m going to take the action you deserve.’ ”

We all need to listen and ask questions and not be afraid to stand up and make sure those around have access to the help and encouragement that they need. It is through this type of respect and trust that effective communication flourishes.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Something is Better than Nothing -- Wrong!

2009-11-09T06:50:00.000-08:00

You have probably all heard by now that the House of Representatives have passed their version of a heath care reform bill. It dominated the news over the weekend and I woke up Sunday morning to the twitter boards alive with the news.

What I heard many times were individuals stating that it was good that something happened positively in regards to passing some sort of legislation for health care reform. The sentiment in some of the tweets was that something is better than nothing. Is that really a correct or proper perspective?

I don't think anyone disagrees that health care reform is necessary but is something really better than nothing if it is wrong? I'm not here to debate the issues involved in health care but what I am concerned about is the idea that something is better than nothing.

We live in a very transient world -- families are spread around the globe and the idea of a nuclear family close and connected is becoming less of the norm as we move forward in time. We are hooked up to immediate news and immediate gratification and when information or decision-making materials are not readily at our disposal, we can get impatient and make impulsive decisions. Our opinions can be based on little or no factual information sometimes and that can be dangerous. Is something better than nothing based on this scenario?

Is some of the wrong medication better for a person than none at all? It could be lethal! Is wrong education really better if it leads us to wrong conclusions? I doubt it! Is reading material that pollutes our mind okay in small doses because it is a least something to read? Do you see how ridiculous this can be?

A great deal of damage can be caused by decisions based on wrong or impartial information. It is true that many times we hear what we want to hear and miss an entire body of information that would change our mind on a certain issue. It's important then that we not only listen attentively but also ask the right questions. In fact, it is our responsibility to ask the right questions! If the answers are not given we must pursue it to ensure that truth is what guides us.

This should be the case in so many areas of our lives. Are we asking the right questions of our employers when we are asked to pursue some act of employment that offends our conscience? Asking the right question could lead to changing policies that harm. You can read about it here.

Kevin Eikenberry says that it would be nice if we could just schedule and complete things that we like and find fun, we should also schedule things that help us be our best. When we do that, Eikenberry says that we will be pleased with the results.

On a lighter note, Sesame Street turns 40 this week! It is hard to believe that the program has been around that long -- it has educated children for a long time. Michelle Obama makes a guest appearance.

So something is not always better than nothing especially if it based on wrong information or motives. I hope that we will always seek for truth and live our lives accordingly.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

A Return to Civility -- Please!

2009-09-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

I have the luxury of living next to a beautiful city park that has a walking track around it. Most mornings I walk with my daughters for about 45 minutes and it really helps for the waistline, fitness and clarity of thought!

The other morning we were walking as we usually do and there happened to be a television crew filming a series in the park and there was a lot of equipment and people around the park. As we kept walking, we came upon a group of four or five people that were blocking the walking trail. We thought as we approached them that they would move out of the way but instead they looked at us and continued to talk to themselves and ignored us. We just walked around them.

As we continued to walk around the track to the same spot, they were still just standing in the middle of the track and were not moving out of the way. What is ironic is that there are signs around this park stating that it is a trail for walking, running and horseback riding!

It seemed to us that those four or five people were uninterested in moving out of the way for the many people that were either walking or jogging. They just stood there with their arms folded and watched as everyone had to walk around them on the street or the parking lot.

I will admit that this is a minor case of incivility but it got me thinking about the general topic. If you have been reading the news lately you will have heard that incivility in not an uncommon occurrence. What makes us act and react in this way? Can you think of any times that you have been in an uncivil frame of mind?

In Wikipedia, I think it tells us best, that incivility is a "general term for social behavior lacking in civility or good manners, on a scale from rudeness or lack of respect for elders, to vandalism and hooliganism, through public drunkenness and threatening behavior." Have we seen any of this type of behavior lately from others or ourselves? If so, why is it happening?

In the case of many of the sports stars that act rudely within the context of their sport, it seems when an action or judgment is made that interferes with their perceived good judgment, a backlash of anger and crudeness erupts. It is usually followed in the media by an apology. It seems that when things don't go our way, we have to not only blame someone else but we must demean them.

Let's take the great "debate" on health care. Does anyone disagree that there is a need for reform within the system? I doubt it! Has there really been a debate over the issues? It appears to me that it has just settled into a smear campaign and the real issues are not being discussed. Why can't we have a debate over issues from opposing points of view without getting uncivil about it? What has happened to debate as a means of discussing issues in a spirited but civil environment?

When we move away from issues quickly and imply motive and assign character flaws to the arguments we will always fail in our attempt to find justice or fix a problem. We may win the moment but the victory will be hollow.

Could we say that incivility is absolute selfishness in action? We don't care what happens to others because we want what we want, when we want it. The bottom line is me! That type of mindset has to change in order for civility to return to our society.

Will Marré has written a book entitled, "Save the World and Still Be Home for Dinner". In it he explores the "me first" attitude of people and businesses and says that the model for charity has to change. You can watch an interview here.

Steve Roesler states that we need to ask questions in order to find out what employees really need for training purposes. If we listen just to the manager or sponsor we usually don't get a wide enough perspective to be inclusive of all of the employees. Ask the right questions!

David Brooks makes a troubling assessment of character in our lives as he views the subject through the new movie, "Where the Wild Things Are".

We see a tragic end to a person's life because of a disagreement or misunderstanding in this story. It could have started out as a disagreement but it ended up in the worst possible way for the victim -- where is the smallest amount of civility in this situation?

When I think about the group that was standing on the track in the park, oblivious to anyone or anything around them, I think it was a minor example of incivility. But where does it go from there? Little indiscretions tend to grow into bigger problems if we don't pay attention to them and fix the source of the problem.

If we ask questions and look outside of ourselves and see how we are affecting others, we may end up contributing to return of civility. Can we care enough to do that?

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

The Character that Should Define Us!

2009-09-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

Quite a few years ago, I worked for a company that had an employee softball league. There were all levels of competency in the different employee teams and every year teams came into a 4 team playoff for the championship.

One of the last years that I played in this league we were playing for the league championship against a team that was perennially in the championship game. They had a lot of talented players on their team and were very vocal about their abilities. You could say that they were arrogant about their team and their abilities.

We had lost the first game to them in a very close decision and were playing a second game to try to force a third game to stay alive in the championship tournament. It wasn't going very well at all and in fact, we were losing by a large margin toward the end of the game.

I played left field and a young man played center field beside me. As the game wore down, the vocal boasting and teasing by the other team started wearing on my young friend. He was beginning to feel compelled to march into their team bench and give them a word or two to straighten them out!

I calmed this young friend down and asked him if this game defined who we were as complete individuals. He had to admit that it didn't but he said that "they're laughing at us"! I asked him if the other team really knew who we were and what our character was and what we truly stood for? He answered that they probably didn't understand too much about us. I told him that they were just acting childishly and that we should ignore them.

It would have been very easy for our team to be offended with this team and taken action but thankfully we had a lot of mature employees on the team and this game was an outlet for fun and that was it! It didn't affect our pride - we were beaten by a physically better team.

How many of us are physically and emotionally affected by actions of other people and react in a way that harms us more than it does them? Whether we react in anger, jealousy, indifference, or physical abuse, does it ever make the situation better? Conversely, does it shape our character in a way that reflects negatively on the well-being of our state of mind?

Another friend of mine stated in a speech that the way we can overcome doing things that negatively affect our character is to listen, wait and then act. In this way, we can think about our actions and the consequences before act rashly.

I recently read where a University of Oregon football player swung at and hit an opponent and knocked him down to the ground after the opponent teased him about losing the game. Consequently, the U of O player was suspended for the season. It was a senseless act that contributed to a very painful consequence. Neither player really knew what the other player stood for but the Oregon player took actions that could shape his character in a negative way -- we'll see how he responds to this adversity.

Our children are given messages through various media outlets that tell them that it is "all about me". That sex outside of marriage is the norm and girls, especially, must dress provocatively to be attractive. Taking actions on these messages can damage the character that they need to combat these messages and bring consequences that could control them for years to come. You can read about it here.

Are we saving enough for the future? One of the main reasons we are in a huge recession is that not many of us save any money at all. Too many of us misuse credit cards and other credit instruments. But again, the messages that we hear are to live for today and pay later. That catches up with us after a while and can have devastating effects on our financial welfare. What are we to do? Work out a comprehensive plan and stick to it! We will have to make sacrifices but it will be well worth it if we become financially secure! We should do a financial checkup so that we won't suffer the adverse affects of poor financial planning!

I would like to refer back to Gerald Sindell's book, "The Genius Machine". Mr. Sindell states that we should be asking the right questions in regards to our ideas and actions. I wholeheartedly agree with that! Number 3 on the list is implication (to explore all the consequences to our ideas). I would add that we must explore the consequences of our actions as well and we must do it before we act. Take another look at the different steps of the Genius Machine!

In so many situations in our lives, we allow other people and events to define who we are simply because we haven't developed the character to counteract the emotion that comes along when a significant emotional event (SEE) happens in our life.

My friend could have really gotten into trouble -- maybe he could have even gotten fired if he would have acted rashly. Because he didn't he was able self-evaluate and realize that the words the other team was saying about us or him didn't define who we really were. It wasn't our character that they were attacking, it was our pride! Pride can get us into deep trouble if we are not mature in our thinking.

Don't let what someone says about us or an emotional event define who we are. Listen, wait and then act and let the patience that comes from confidence and mature thinking continue to form the character that lasts forever!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

A Relationship with Anything is Hard Work!

2009-08-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I addressed a group of people that were "roughing" it in the Southern California mountains at Camp Condor. This area is a beautiful part of California near Gorman, California about 80 miles north of Los Angeles. We had met there to get away from the city and to get to know each other a little better.

I asked the group how many of them had lived their entire life in Southern California. About 7 people out of the 60+ people raised their hands. I explained that most of us have moved around a bit and because of that possibly could have less than a stellar approach to commitment.

I also explained that we can tend to lose focus because of what faces us everyday in the way of information. Internet searches can take us off track so easily and we can still feel that we learned so much by doing that. In reality, we have wasted a huge amount of time by getting off track like that repeatedly throughout the day and not staying focused on our original task.

Think about this in the context of relationships with anything -- does being overloaded with informational options tend to keep us from cementing solid relationships in all areas of our lives?

How many of us understand how much work goes into building a solid marriage? Have many of us have grown a garden or raised animals for food? Have we ever had to repair a fractured relationship? Have we cared for our elderly parents or grandparents?

All relationships, whether with the land, animals, people or perhaps, the environment, take a huge amount of work. Shortcuts rarely work and many times can be incredibly destructive. We are told, however, that we are to live life to the fullest and within that message can come a lack of commitment to values that sustain communities.

What is the result? An agriculture system that uses pesticides and fertilizers that are harmful to humans and the environment. A nursing home industry that is overloaded and in many ways, impersonal. A fast food industry that provides a substantial percentage of our daily diet in foods that actually can kill us if we indulge too much. Relationships that are so shallow! We probably don't even know our next neighbors in many cases. In many ways, we have received exactly what our lifestyles have demanded for us.

While at this camp, I talked to someone who teaches children who have emotional problems. We discussed that his main goal was to teach these young people how to properly think about themselves and the relationships that they have with others. How about us? Do we take the time to properly think about the different relationships that we should have with everything around us or are we so overloaded with informational options that we have lost the focus that it takes to do that?

Have we lost the commitment to values that sustain a community? If we have, how do we change? First of all, we must realize that solid relationships with anything take time and hard work. Are we committed to these relationships even knowing that is the case? Secondly, we must think about the impact that our conduct and lifestyle has on everything around us -- are we ready to change if we are taking a detrimental approach to values that sustain a community? Every little part helps to create the whole effect!

It means that we have to pay as much attention to what is around us as we do to what we want for ourselves.

It is interesting to note that many people are starting see that they are out of touch with some of the aspects of their community. Whether it is their career choices or raising some of their own food, people are thinking about how they affect the communities in which they live.

Steve Roesler tells us that a little sweetness goes a long ways to attract the right relationships. He also states that we need to sit back and survey what is around us once and a while to gain perspective.

On a sad note, Ted Kennedy has died. Whether you agreed with him or not, you have to admit that he was a integral part of the American landscape for years. George Will writes a balanced perspective on his life.

Gerald Sindell has developed a system called the Genius Machine. Sindell states that after you have used the Genius Machine for a while you will turn into a noticer of things. You will become a better listener as well. These two qualities can help in your quest to be more aware of what is around you. You can read about this on Mike McKinney's blog.

While at the camp, I realized how much there was to the environment that was around me. I was able to focus in on the little things and realize how much makes up what we see around us. It made me think about how I impact what is in my sphere of influence. I hope this article will help you do the same.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Cherish What We Have and Get Ready for Change!

2009-08-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time that I saw it -- it was a deep cherry color and the pickups were a polished black. I had never seen anything that had so much depth in color. The only blemish was a nick in one of the frets. I figured that I could fix that by polishing it out over time. My 1959 cherry-colored Gibson Melody Maker was perfect for what I wanted and I was getting it for a great price.

I imagine that most of you probably don't get as passionate about an old guitar as I do. This guitar had the best sound that I had heard up to that point. The lead guitarist in our band had a Les Paul but I couldn't afford one and I was the rhythm guitarist for the band and this seemed like the perfect fit.

I played for one more year in that band -- I never did fix the nick in the fret. I just learned to play around it. I had decided that it was time to go back to college so that I could earn a living if by chance I wasn't the next Jimmy Page. I wasn't! In fact, I never played in a band ever again.

I had moved out to Oregon and returned to school to learn how produce, direct and edit video. I had met a lot of new people and Oregon in the early to mid 70's was an eye-opening place for a small town Minnesota boy. I met all sorts of people that would never have been accepted in my small town community simply because of their behavior. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into out west.

I had met a group of friends through a mutual friend and somehow they had persuaded the mutual friend to let them stay at our apartment while we were taking a long weekend up in the Cascade Mountains. I didn't realize this was happening.

I returned home to find that all of my music, stereo system, my banjo and my beautiful Melody Maker were all gone. My "friends" were never to be seen again and neither was my guitar. It broke my heart! I had always taken for granted that I would have my beautiful guitar and eventually get the nick polished out of the fret and have this beautiful antique to play for a long, long time. It just didn't happen the way I envisioned it.

We look at our lives that way sometimes as well, don't we? We actually look at other people's lives that way, too. We figure, sometimes, that the way it is today is always the way it is going to be for us. It probably comes from youthful naivety and lack of forward thinking. It isn't something that is taught in school.

I guess that there are a couple of lessons that I should have learned out of that situation. First of all, choose your friends wisely. I probably shouldn't have been a roommate with the mutual friend that invited the group of "friends" over to our apartment. I hadn't really investigated it very much because I thought that everyone was on the level, aren't they?

Secondly, we should cherish what we have and realize that what we have now and those things that surround us now most likely will not be with us all that long. Life is about experiences and adapting to change when new experiences come our way. Sometimes it is adapting to a new set of circumstances when what we have around us suddenly disappears. We choose our reaction to those changes.

A guitar legend, Les Paul, who has been around a long time and who was so influential in shaping the modern music world, died yesterday at 94 years of age. You can read a couple of news stories about him at Fox News and the New York Times.

Many of you may not enjoy skateboarding (I don't) but you have to appreciate the dedication that skateboarders have to their art. They risk bodily harm to perfect their skills and in some cases give themselves a way to escape the inner city crime scenes of the big city. Andy Kessler, a legendary New York City skateboarder died unexpectedly from an insect bite. You can read about his impact on the inner city skateboard scene here. The article is entitled, "The End of Falling".

Steve Roesler tells us that there are different ways to learn. I especially like point #4 -- make room for the new! New and different opportunities are going to come our way. How do we adapt to them?

For you guitar enthusiasts, I have posted a link to YouTube that gives a demonstration on the new Gibson Melody Maker -- they're bringing them back! Gibson isn't bringing back the cherry colored one but this one will do!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

The Right Balance of Self-sufficiency!

2009-08-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

I grew up on a farm in Minnesota -- that in itself isn't a big deal because many people have grown up in a rural setting. What has come out of that experience, I guess, is what is more important.

My earliest memories are from the mid to late 1950's and include huge white farm houses and red barns. I remember large gardens on my parent's farm as well as my grandparent's farm. We also had a lot of farm animals - cattle, pigs, chickens and of course dogs and cats.

From a very young age, we were taught to work hard and help produce the food that would sustain us economically and physically through most of the year. So we had to weed the garden, feed the animals, prune the fruit trees and maintain the yard.

We didn't appreciate the workload at the time and I'm sure if you asked my parents, they would tell you that we probably had a few words to say about not wanting to do all of this work. But through "encouraging" parents, we learned to do many things that people nowadays haven't a clue how to do.

We canned and froze many vegetables. We butchered chickens and froze them for later use. We made jams and jellies and all sorts of preserved fruit for our traditional German desserts! For many years I took all of this for granted and just labeled it in my mind as something that everyone knew and exerienced. But not so!

Very few of us realize where the food comes from or how it is produced or transported to the grocery store where we pick it up for our eventual use. Very few know of the sacrifices that are made by the entire community for food to come to our tables.

I would have to say that it was a unique upbringing - one that has taught me a small sense of self-sufficiency. You see, we didn't have to buy much food at the store because we had a lot of it grown or produced at home. This training also went into fixing cars and farm implements and repairing tires and fixing buildings when they needed it.

This upbringing and training develops a mindset that when put into an unfamiliar situation, you could work your way through the roadblocks and come out on top! It helps especially in these trying times that we find ourselves in.

I think that if we would give ourselves and our children more of these opportunities, we would see a greater appreciation for the resources that we have at our disposal. We would also not take for granted where our food comes from or the value of the life that gave that food for our sustenance.

It is interesting in these tough financial times that more people are raising livestock in their backyards. Even though they know that it isn't cost-effective compared to buying things like eggs at a grocery store, people want the security that having their own chickens brings. We now find that it isn't just the eggs that they want but also the meat from the chickens as well. It brings a appreciative and thoughtful mindset to the one raising the chickens.

The New York Times talks about how hatcheries are seeing a huge increase in their orders this year over last year. They also talk to a few people on the reason for raising their own animals on their property -- self-sufficiency seems to have a part to play in this.

Kevin Eikenberry states that asking "Why?" can stimulate learning, facilitate discovery, create understanding and quench curiosity; it also can impede progress, insinuate power and suggest judgment. Given these facts, use the "Why?" question with care.

It is important to ask the right questions in order to determine if it will bring us the right answer -- we must have the right tools at our disposal to make these decisions. This can help in having the right balance of self-sufficiency.

Mike McKinney explores a new book about learning to apply the right view and the right conduct to our decision making in order to come to what is best not only for ourselves but those in our sphere of influence. We continue to teach those in our sphere of influence how to think critically! It leads to the right balance of self-sufficiency.

Most of the people that I knew back on the farm realized that we couldn't be totally self-sufficient. What was apparent to many was there was a need to be interdependent on each other. This led to an appreciation of what was given to them and also what it took to sustain a community. Sacrifices had to be made at every level of the community.

I think that if more of us would be closer to the earth and what is grown, we would have a balance of self-sufficiency that would lead to a greater appreciation of plant and animal life and how that life has to be sustained.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

The Mirror of Friendship!

2009-07-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from directing a teen camp in Southwest Washington. It was a wonderful experience and something that I relish from year to year.

I chauffeured 5 teens up to the camp and 5 teens back to California on a road trip that was quite enjoyable considering the energy and interests of the teens with me. I had a great time!

It is amazing the beauty that you can see on one of these road trips. Sometimes we need to stop and look around and let the natural beauty of what surrounds us soak into our minds. I think most of us have a "Phoenix by sunset" mentality when we travel and that limits our ability to allow this to happen. When we slow down we notice things that we wouldn't normally see if we are in a hurry.

One of the things I noticed, especially in Oregon, was the clear-cutting of the forests that had taken place. I'm not here to judge whether that is right or wrong but it did startle me. There were many places where there was a thin line of trees that had been left standing to cover up the clear cutting that I could see from the freeway. It was just a facade! It didn't change the fact that what appeared to be a beautiful stand of douglas firs was simply a thin line of trees to cover up what was behind it.

Sometimes I wonder if we aren't that way in our lives. We have a thin veneer of a facade but behind this facade is something that is different than what most everyone else sees. We think that what is behind is covered up by this facade but almost everyone can see the real landscape if they slow down and take a look.

There are two aspects to this analogy -- we deceive ourselves by thinking that we have covered up what is really inside us and secondly, how many of us slow down so that we can really observe what is going on in someone's life? Perhaps there is a chance for a comment that could help.

George Herbert states that the best mirror is an old friend. We need to be very careful in our approach but we need to help our friends when they are in need! Think about the person that is walking around with their shirt buttoned unevenly -- it looks really odd! You go to that person and tell them what everyone else except for them can see. Shouldn't it be the same way with our personal shortcomings and blemishes? We wouldn't want our friends (or anyone) to go around thinking they are fine but everyone else can see what is wrong. We go to our friends and gently provide the mirror for them.

Conversely, we know when we are off base, mostly. We know when we aren't living up to the standards that we hold dear to us. What usually needs to be done is painful to change but afterwards a quiet, satisfied feeling accompanies being able to overcome something that had kept us from fulfilling our potential. Together, we become stronger!

When someone is performing the delicate task of being a mirror, please don't react harshly. What I have found is that even if I don't agree with the person that is approaching me, I can find useful critique to help me become a better person. It takes courage to listen without getting our defenses up.

I have included a picture of my favorite spot in the Northwest -- I hope that you find it inspiring! Also, I have included a link to an article in the NY Times about summer camps and one danger that goes along with attending some of them.

Steve Roesler states that character and persistence trump adversity -- it's a valuable lesson to have learned when we find ourselves face to face with the need to change. It can be done!

Remember what Goethe says about friendship: "Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

What's Our Legacy?

2009-07-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from a funeral of a very dear friend. She had struggled so much in the last two years just to stay alive. There were so many times in the recent past that I had thought that she was going to slip away but she always seemed to rally. Although, each time it seemed as though she went a little farther into her regression of health.

She was a fighter and someone who had always believed in truth. She didn't compromise even on the little things. I made that assessment awhile ago but it was confirmed today at the funeral by her own children. They all told me that their mother left an indelible impression on all their lives in this area of discipline -- she wouldn't compromise in the little things.

I stood looking at the children and the grandchildren all gathered together mourning the death of their beloved mother and I got a sense that somehow this attention to detail had bonded them together so tightly as a family. They were laughing together and crying together as well.

At one point, I stood up and said that my friend had told me something about the family that really touched me. There was a nervous laugh and a chuckle among them but I said that it was a good thing and they all laughed. I told them that my friend wanted me to know all of them and so my friend had sent me an email that contained names and pictures of the entire family so that I could put faces to names. I had become, in some small way, a part of their family. My friend had taught them that.

She had left a legacy for all of us to see and appreciate.

What about us? What legacy are we building now? Are we consistent in our ways as my friend was in her attention to detail? Have we made an effort to be inclusive in our relationships with others? Are our friends familiar with our nuclear families? It is something we should consider.

In our families as well in our vocations, people will follow our example if we can delineate that example and give those within our sphere of influence vision. Kevin Eikenberry explains this in his latest blog. In this way, we can leave a legacy.

Speaking of our sphere of influence, what type of leader are we? Is it a gloomy day continually within our organization or family? What type of personality qualities allow health and healing in the relationships within our sphere of influence? Focus on the Family lists laughter as a healer of relationships and a way to cope with the stresses of life that affect those relationships.

Mike McKinney shows us that when we stand up and lead in the right way, it can help those around us make the type of decisions that necessarily bring good results. You can read about it here.

All of these links show us how to build and leave a legacy that can affect others not just now but well past the time we are on this earth. I have chosen to focus on the positive of my friend's life because of what she has accomplished. I don't mean to diminish the grief that comes along with the death of loved ones and good friends.

If you are having trouble making it through this type of grief please look for resources that can help you cope with the loss of family and friends. Vision.org has several articles that will help you make sense out of the situation and point you toward resources that will help you cope with the loss.

I walked away from my friend's funeral with a new appreciation for what she had done within her sphere of influence and what we can still do within ours as well...but I will still miss her!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Focus on the Small Things for Effectiveness!

2009-06-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Over the past two weeks, I have had the opportunity to learn an important lesson from two different situations that are totally unrelated. The first was an interpersonal relationship that needed mending and the second was an article that I am researching for Vision.org website. What was the lesson that I learned?

To be effective, I need to focus on the small things!

This may at first seem ineffective but not when it comes to important actions and tasks in our lives. I thought I was prepared and what I had done was to overlook a part of both of these situations that undermined my effectiveness. I didn't focus on the small things of each situation.

Sometimes we tend to be caught up in the obvious part of a situation and forget to look for the small actions or emotions that really make a difference. It takes action to find out what these small but important contributors are so we can be the most effective. You may not realize this but intellectual or physical laziness can limit our will to take action to find out what would be the best way to resolve relationship differences or complete a task at hand.

The relationship that I am referring to was mended but it could have been welded together if I had taken stock of my emotions and been willing to open up a bit more. I didn't do that at the time of the meeting because I hadn't prepared myself to go there emotionally. It caught me off guard! I didn't think I was going to have to go there.

In regards to the article that I am researching for Vision.org website, I had forgot to focus on a small but important part of the subject that I was researching -- I didn't think it was important because I had overlooked that part of the subject for a while. It turns out that it is a very important part of the subject and I am not prepared to write about it because I am not yet prepared in this area. Here are two illustrations of how not being prepared with the finer details of a situation can limit our effectiveness.

What can we do to avoid this? Be circumspect in all of our dealings with people and issues! Take time to review and rethink each situation or task -- don't rush into things without bringing all the issues onto the table. We forget sometimes, don't we?

An effective way to solve this oversight is to do a checklist before moving forward. I teach this principle all the time so why didn't I do it? I forgot! I got lazy! Kevin Eikenberry talks about this in one of his latest blogs.

Speaking of small things, I read an article in the NY Times this morning that made a lot of sense. It talked about listening to our bodies when we are exercising or eating. Sometimes it is hard to get a bead on what our bodies are saying but if we listen, it will tell us. It could make a huge difference whether we can lose weight or maintain our weight or just get in shape.

I hope that we will focus on these small things and not limit our effectiveness by thinking they are not important.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

The Ideal Commitment!

2009-05-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago my family and I went to a beautiful wedding of a close friend. It was such a wonderful occasion to see this young lady's hopes and dreams of finding the right mate for herself fulfilled.

What impressed me the most was that both our friend and her husband had determined long ago that they were going to wait until the right person came along and then marry before consummating their relationship physically. Sometimes that seems a little old-fashioned in this modern day and thinking.

From movies, novels, and talk-shows, we are told that living together is okay. In fact, it is more than okay, it is expected! We get bombarded daily (if we watch television daily) with the fact the it is just a normal rite of life. I'm not sure too many people stop to think whether or not this is something that as a society we should do. In fact, is it healthy for a society to conduct itself in this way?

Before you quit reading, please hear me out. You might think that it is old fashioned or narrow-minded to think that cohabiting might have some drawbacks but listen first to some statistics.

FACTS ABOUT COHABITATION*

1. Nearly 6 million couples are currently cohabiting.

2. Cohabitation has increased 10 fold since 1970 when only 500,000

couples cohabited.

3. 60-75% of couples in their first marriages are cohabiting and 80-85% in

remarriages cohabit before their wedding.

4. Most studies clearly find that cohabitation before marriages decreases

marital satisfaction and increases divorce rate.

5. There is a 50% increase in the divorce rate if a couple cohabits before

marriage.

6. About half (55%) of cohabiting couples get married within 5 years of living

together, 40% breakup and 10% stay together without getting married.

7. About 40% of cohabiting women have children with their partner, many of

which are unplanned pregnancies.

8. It is predicted that 40% of all children will at some point live in a

cohabiting household.

9. Almost two-thirds of teenagers believe (66% boys; 60% girls) that it is a

good idea to live together before marriage.

*(Facts are taken from the U.S. Census Bureau and from studies summarized in

the book by Olson, DeFrain and Skogrand (2008) Marriage and Family,

McGraw-Hill.)

These are just facts from the U.S Census Bureau! There isn't any religious dogma attached to this. It amazes me that the divorce rate is higher for cohabiting couples than those that don't. Marital satisfaction drops for those cohabiting as well. What changes for the relationship when a couple decides not to wait to live together and consummate their relationship before marriage? Can the ideal of lifelong commitment be shattered if the relationship takes a shortcut?

You can read about this on Dr. Olson's site.

Could it also be that men and women have different emotional needs? About now, the women that are reading this post are falling out of their chairs in laughter. Does that question even need to be asked? Of course women have different emotional needs than men! Let's ask this question in the context of consummating a relationship before marriage -- can it have a devastating emotional effect on the longevity of the relationship? Apparently, it can!

The way that men and women look at a casual sexual relationship is apparently different. This difference looks as though it might cause emotional shortfalls in the relationship as time goes by.

Ashley Herzog, in an article written in 2007, quotes two books that shed some light on how detrimental casual sexual relationships can be to the women in those relationships.

First, Dr. Miriam Grossman makes a medical case for waiting to consummate a relationship before marriage. Next, Laura Sessions Step shows that women neglect their own emotional needs when they settle for casual sexual relationships. You can read about it here.

In addition to the emotional stress that this can cause women of any age, there could be an added burden of an unwanted pregnancy as well. Many times when this happens, it is the woman who is parenting the child alone.

Tom Fitzpatrick chronicles the demographic decline of two-parent families in both the U.S. and the U.K. There are more potential challenges to consummating relationships before marriage then is first realized. It is worth a second look!

Our family walked away from that wedding knowing that our friend and her new husband had made the right choice and were going to have the tools necessary to have a happy relationship and the inner strength to start a family if that is what they both wanted to do.

As far as commitments go, this was ideal!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

It's Not a Diet, It's a Way of Life!

2009-05-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in my doctor's office about six month's ago on a followup visit for a sleeping disorder that I have called sleep apnea. We talked about what would help relieve the symptoms of this disorder and how I could get extra help with it.

He said that if I would lose some weight the disorder would be less affecting on my sleep patterns. Why is weight always a factor in a healthy lifestyle? Why can't we be overweight and healthy (I say with tongue firmly in cheek)? My doctor and I talked about losing weight and being on a diet not as a one time occasion but as a lifestyle change. We concluded that it had to be a change of mind and habits for a lifetime.

I wonder how many of us think about change in that way? Do we think of overcoming anger or other emotional bad habits as a one time occasion or do we envision it as a lifestyle change -- something that we will enact in our lives continually?

How about our eating habits? Statistics show us that many Americans are overweight and out of shape because of the food we eat and the lack of exercise. We can't just go to the gym once every month and think that it is going to change our life. It has to be a sustained, focused practice that targets goals that we have made for a lifetime!

It is the same with our eating habits. How much processed food do we eat compared to the natural fruits and vegetables? How much do we snack on and what do we snack on? These are questions that will shed a lot of light on why we might not have the energy we need or the confidence we need to lead a productive, prosperous life.

We are coming into the time of year when there will be a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables available for us at farmer's markets, roadside stands and co-ops. Be sure to take the precautionary measure to wash all of the produce before eating it and look to make sure that it is good quality.

Sarah Ince takes a look at how co-ops can really help you find affordable, healthy fruits and vegetables. She chronicles it on her blog called Natural Family.

Both Sarah and the NY Times show the benefit of eating fresh fruit in a variety of ways. Here is an article about drinking fruit, (not fruit juice) not eating it. You'll find out why it is important to have enough fruit in your diet. Martha Rose Shulman, fitness and nutrition writer for the Times show how easy it is to make tasty smoothies and add this as a healthy benefit to your family's diet.

Exercise and diet can be accomplished as easily as drinking more water and walking around a park 3 times a week for 20 minutes each time. The web site 7 Natural Laws can show you how to not just lose weight but get into great shape by eating right, exercising, getting the proper amount of sleep and and allotting leisure time for your family. You can receive their newsletter and get on their mailing list.

The program they use is called Balance (it's an acronym). It is a good idea to have balance in our diet and exercise program as well.

You can find archived articles about how diet and stress-reducing activities can help you get in shape and lower the chance of the stress affecting your health. Here's a quote from an article by Alice Abler:

One way to achieve this dual goal is to concentrate on stress-free, healthy mealtimes. Eliminating high-fat, high-sugar, processed foods from the diet and concentrating on making mealtime relaxing can make a huge difference over time.

You can read about it at Vision.org.

Remember, it isn't just a diet, it is a way of life!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Our Reputation: A Valuable Asset

2009-05-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

I am sorting through many different applications for camper and staff positions for the camp that I direct in the southwest part of Washington State. We hold the camp in July in a beautiful spot in the Northwest called Camp Wa-Ri-Ki (Washougal River Kiwanis) near Washougal, Washington.

In order for the young people to be accepted they must have the approval of a mentor which in most cases is their local Church pastor. Just as beauty surrounds the camp in the way of mountains, rivers and trees, the young people applying for staff positions must have that type of beauty within. It goes a long way to ensure that the best result comes out of the camp experience for both the campers and staff.

In order to make decisions about the potential staff member, we ask their personal reference about their character and reputation. Sometimes, something that they have done in the past can come back to haunt them and keep them from participating at the camp. If they would be allowed to go, their effectiveness could be hindered simply because of a damaged reputation brought on by thoughtless acts.

We have probably all suffered this when we have acted foolishly and something has tarnished our reputation and our effectiveness was severely hampered. We need to realize how valuable a commodity a good reputation can be for us.

Corporations are starting to take notice that how the public perceives them and the products they sell goes a long way to help them compete effectively with their competition. This Business Week article chronicles that it takes more than just hyping your product, it means that the product has to produce the results that are advertised.

That is much like our personal reputations. If we say we are going to do something, we better follow through with it. Our reputation depends on it. People will soon find out that we are all talk and no substance. If we want to be counted on as a trustworthy person we better conduct ourselves in a trustworthy way.

In Kevin Eikenberry's blog, he gives us five ways to serve others as a Leader. One of the areas of service is that of caring. Do those in our sphere of influence know that we care? When they do, they can trust us and we can move forward in our relationship with them. Let them know by your actions that you care for them and want what is best for them. As Eikenberry states, everything that you may enact will not always be agreed on but your reputation will be enhanced when they see everything that you do is motivated by servant leadership.

Finally, I thought that you might be interested to know that on this day, May 18, 1980, the Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington state exploded, leaving 57 people dead or missing. That has been 29 years ago and many of us have that memory etched in our minds.

What we saw happen in the way of service and leadership at that time was outstanding to say the least. Many people risked their lives to help others -- we became a better society for it.

KATU-TV in Portland, Oregon has an article and video on it and wired.com shows a before and after!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Education: the Missing Dimension

2009-05-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

I happened to be looking for a program on the television yesterday morning and I happened upon a program that was highlighting a young girl's lifestyle in hopes that she would change. What was her lifestyle? Her goal was to have sex with as many young men as possible and hoping get pregnant with her "favorite" and have a child with this young man and live happily ever after.

What were the parameters of this relationship? The young lady had dropped out of school and her boyfriend was a 16 year old high school dropout as well. The show's host asked the young lady if she really expected this young man to stick with her after she had the baby and she very confidently stated that she did expect him to do just that!

The backdrop to this entire scenario is the mother of the young lady who brought this to the show host's attention in the first place. She had made many of the same mistakes and had raised the young lady in a single parent family and could see where this young lady was heading.

What was discouraging was that the young lady was pompous and vulgar. She needed instruction so that she could move out of the parent's shadow and see clearly the lifestyle that she was leading was headed for personal and familial disaster.

I like a quote that Gina Stepp chronicles in her article "Teen Pregnancy: The Tangled Web". She is quoting Thomas Hoffman, one of the researchers who compiled a journal entitled, "Adolescence". Education seems to be the seminal ingredient in changing perceptions among teens and young adults regarding pregnancy.

“Sometimes after a teenager experiences one pregnancy, she ends up pregnant again within the next couple of years,” says Hoffman. “And then pregnant again after that—not necessarily marrying the father, or even setting up a household with the father or fathers. So the story isn’t over once a teen gets pregnant the first time. There is still a need for education.” Sometimes, perhaps, parents need to be educated as much as teens.

It appears that parents and teens both need to be educated. My question to parents is, "are we talking to our teens and giving them the information to make the right choices?" Are we making them feel secure in our home?

Most likely, if we are talking to our teens, what is important to us will be important to the teen i.e. reading, education, good language, careers and mature relationships.

Education is something that should never end in our lives. We should be on a constant quest to learn more as we mature in our lives. Knowledge properly understood brings wisdom and a life that is girded by supports that last a lifetime, withstanding the trials of the day.

Mike McKinney has listed 10 Leadership traits that we will need for the next decade. He brings this to us via a book by Bob Johansen, entitled "Leaders Make the Future." The second point is the need for clarity. Johansen states that clarity is:

The ability to see through messes and contradictions to a future that others cannot see. Leaders are very clear about what they are making, but very flexible about how it gets made. How can you as a leader, create and communicate with clarity in confusing times – without being simplistic?

You can read that on Mike's blog.

Finally, I hope that we will take our responsibilities as parents, leaders in our sphere of influence, or as teens seriously and remember that how we behave today will affect us and others well past the time of the behavior.

Ask questions today! Talk to each other today! Care for each other today and tomorrow will have a more secure foundation than today.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

What is normal?

2009-05-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

In talking with friends over the weekend, we discussed the behavior of a relative who has been participating in a lifestyle that is extremely self-destructive. When we thought about what caused this type of lifestyle for this relative and we came to the conclusion that the relative thought that it was a normal way to behave. This person had grown up around this behavior and it appears that it is very comfortable to this person to feel security in a very dysfunctional lifestyle.

It got me to reflect on my life and what perhaps I might feel is "normal" that other people might not think is so normal. I wonder if you have ever done this before? Have we examined our lives and identified any habits or patterns of thinking that we casually pass off as "everybody does it" when in fact it is only we who exhibit this behavior or pattern of thinking when we take a critical look at our lives.

Are we too negative? Are we too sarcastic? Do we look at situations with a condemning eye or do we justify bad behavior as "that's just the way it is"?

We could be locked into behavioral patterns that might not be destructive but could they be holding us back from achieving greater balance and peace in lives?

In his first blog for May, Mike McKinney identifies some great Leadership books for 2009. You should take a look on Mike's blog.

I would like to emphasize how important it is for all of us to be mindful of the swine flu virus that is making its way across the States. If you or anyone in your family is sick please stay and take care of this so that none of us spreads any type of sickness.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Balance -- Essential for our well-being!

2009-04-22T06:50:00.000-07:00

I was with someone yesterday who has terminal cancer and while it was good to be with this person I was amazed at the support and the dedication of the immediate family. It is good to have friends and family at the end of our lives!

It seems that having a circle of friends is important more than just at the end of our lives, as well. Research shows that having a circle of friends actually helps us live longer, stay healthier and live a less stressful life.

While having a spouse can be beneficial to our well-being, having a circle of friends cuts through the singles stigma by giving this benefit to those who haven't married or have chosen not to marry. It shows the importance of being interdependent in our relationships with each other. Interdependence is the balance that brings people together in a healthy vibrant relationship. Tara Parker-Pope writes about the right balance of friends.

Just as we need interdependence in our relationships with people, we also need interdependence with the earth that we use to sustain ourselves. Gina Stepp writes how the earth that we call home needs to be treated as a valuable partner in order for continued harmonic sustenance to happen. Stepp points to the mindset that human beings employ as the problem with the unbalance that exists between mankind and nature.

Stepp shows this mindset as a cause for the challenges that beset many areas of the world where we see hunger, strife, envy and greed playing a part in human suffering. Identity also plays a big part in the human worldview that prevents change and harmony. You can read about it on the Vision.org website.

Balance in all of our relationships brings fullness and peace to our lives in a way that should push out selfishness and apathy. We should realize that a balanced mindset propels us forward to healthy, vibrant relationships that are a well source for a long and peaceful life. Lady Davinci's Salon interviewed Natalie Gahrmann in 2006 about achieving balance in our lives. It's worth taking a second look at it!

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Having the Right Mindset!

2009-04-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article in the New York Times about a commercial entitled, "Gathering Storm". It is trying to alert us to the fact that there is a national movement trying to force education that includes defining gay marriage as a normal part of our culture. It intimates that basic freedoms would be lost and proponents are trying to shut down faith based movements that might not want to help gay or lesbian couples with access to their services.

I think it is important to remember that first of all, we as followers of the way, do not get involved in politics and sometimes I think we can wander over into a political area because of what we believe.

We need to remember that gays and lesbians are a part of our culture and as citizens have the same rights as others do. We should be glad that they do have the same rights as others because that helps protect our rights as well.

There are a lot of Churches getting involved in so many causes these days on both sides of the spectrum and we must realize that isn't our job as followers of the way. When asked about our belief in this area we should answer truthfully and list the source of our statement as that of the Bible. We should realize that the ways that we follow and the world's ways do not mix and anytime that we try to mix them, a solution is not to be found -- it's like oil and water, they don't mix well.

You can read about one side of the argument in The Times. You can also view the video on Youtube.

As I have said before, we can do so much for the way of life that we should be living by how we actually live that life. People do notice! We have come through the last days looking inside of ourselves in order to get rid of things that can give us trouble if we let them stay in our minds and hearts. Left unattended, actions and reactions can really get us off base and we need to get on track again. Remember to keep the right perspective in all areas of our lives and not react in a way that show those around us that we are still a part of the world.

We can operate a lot better if we keep our physical and mental practices clear and organized. You can read about that in Kevin Eikenberry's blog.

Let's remember to clean our habits and thinking up according to the way to which we have been called. We must treat those around us with respect and kindness and give a answer for the reason why we are different to those who ask.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Some thoughts about the YASW and other things

2009-04-13T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hello to everyone! I am just trying to get caught up with office work and reflecting on the 2009 Young Adult Spring Weekend. What a great weekend! We were able to assemble in a peaceful setting and disseminate a lot of incredible information. Information that will help the young adults move forward in their relationship with each other and most importantly with God and Jesus Christ.

It was so peaceful at Camp Oliver and I am reminded of the contrast between that environment and what is in the world. I read in the NY Times this morning that Capt. Richard Phillips of the ship, Maersk Alabama, was rescued by navy seals. The navy seals killed the pirates that held the captain at gun point and freed him quickly after that.

It is interesting to note that the Somali pirates are now vowing violence against all American shipping, stating it will be the Americans that will be filled with sorrow very soon. Read NY Times Article.

Very few people realize that peace doesn't come from violence. We continue to act aggressively hoping that will help deter violence in the world and it doesn't. The young adults learned that there is a different way to live that brings peace. It will be a nice day when everyone has that information.

The last of the young adults are leaving this morning on their way back home and I thought you might want to watch a video of part of the presentation that Peter Nathan gave during the seminar. By the way, Mr. Nathan is planning on putting much of this information on the internet at some point - I'll let you know where you can find it when he does. If you have any questions be sure to let me know and I'll answer any questions that I can.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

2009-04-12T07:11:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! We had a wonderful day yesterday. We had a late brunch and a sing-a-long where we encouraged all the men to try their hand at song leading......with encouraging but varying results!

We had an excellent brunch and then on to Sabbath services with an excellent dinner and dance to close out the evening.

Some of us enjoyed a walk to the top of Mt. Oliver and were able to see the surrounding area -- what a beautiful view! Camp Oliver is nestled in a little valley that is at about 3200 feet above sea level and it provides such a beautiful backdrop for the Young Adult Weekend and the information that is being presented. The young adults are already asking is this can be an annual event.

Mike Elliott gave the sermonette yesterday and talked about the blessing of being in the Church as a 2nd generation follower of God. He related how God had blessed him with the opportunities to travel and own a business and also how what he had been taught was able to keep him on the path he needed to stay on even when trials and tests occurred.

I talked about how skeptical the world is and how that can creep into our thinking in regards to God's word. Do we believe the promises of God and does our life reflect that type of belief and faith?

We are going to finish up today with the last three hours of the seminar and then we have to be off to the airport to take some of the East Coast young adults to catch their flights. It will be a bit sad to have this come to an end.

It is interesting to read the news and see all the chaos and confusion in the world and then see how intent these young adults are on learning God's way of life. What a contrast! It will be interesting to see how they use this information to fortify themselves in a very skeptical world.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

2009 Young Adult Spring Weekend

2009-04-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

Hello from Camp Oliver! Thirty-five young adults and eight staff members are working together to make this a memorable Young Adult Spring Weekend. We have people who have traveled from the East Coast, Ohio, South Dakota, Arizona and California to be at this event and it seems like it is going well.

Mr. Peter Nathan is leading the discussion about where the different types of texts that make up different translations come from. He is explaining the way different Bibles were canonized. It has led to some very interesting discussions between the Young Adults. Mr. Nathan hopes to make his presentation available on the Church website in the future.

Mr. Nathan said that we must show those around us who we belong to by the way we live our lives. It is not possible from biblical archaeological to prove the existence of God or even some of tenets that we find in the Bible but we can prove it through spiritual revelation. We live by faith!

I wonder how many of do that? What does it take in our lives to make us realize that we must move forward not necessarily by a way of sight but by how our Creator works with us and motivates us through his spirit. How in tune are we with that?

By the way, it is really raining here in San Diego County! We have to stay dry running between the buildings and look forward to hot chocolate and coffee and warm fires. It is definitely worth the trouble to see the young people enjoying themselves and learning so much good information.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

A Very Special Evening!

2009-04-09T08:51:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! I hope that everyone had a great NTBMO with its deep meaning and of course the meal that goes along with it.

One of the things that was on my mind was that we need to celebrate the NTBMO because it shows God that we are responding to his call to come out of a worldly mindset and start or continue a journey that leads to his Kingdom. NTBMO starts this journey after we commit to a relationship with our Creator through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ symbolized by taking the Passover.

Many years the NTBMO was just a meal with family members and sometimes a lot of non-Church member were there as well. It is the beginning of the 1st Day of UB and we should be careful who we invite to this special meal. We should not be afraid to talk about what this special evening means to us. In that way non-members might feel uncomfortable talking about what this evening means to us as followers of the way. We should remember this for all future Holy Days.

I received an email advertisement from the History Channel this morning as well. It shows short clips explaining the Easter tradition. It wasn't very factual but it gave me some ideas for what we can do on the Vision.org website. History Channel - Easter

I am leaving tonight for the Young Adult Spring Weekend at Camp Oliver outside San Diego. We have about 35 young adults plus staff at the weekend. I'm looking forward to help train the next generation of leaders in the Church.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier

Welcome to my new blog!

2009-04-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I have started this blog to put together a few thoughts and also to alert those in my sphere of influence about different events, activities and news that might be important to you.

We've just taken the Passover and rehearsed its deep meaning for us and I hope that we all take this time of the year seriously in that we try to fix the relationships that need to be fixed - we don't just talk about it. I am committed to that myself however imperfectly I may try to do it.

I have been thinking about how our conduct, demeanor and actions affect others so much and what comes out of our mouths sometimes doesn't show that we live a life filled with character and dignity. I struggle in that area as well.

I hope that tonight's celebration into a new way of thinking will propel us into a clearer and more determined mindset as we navigate the days ahead of us.

Some activities that I will be attending:

Young Adult Spring Weekend near San Diego - April 9-12

Western US Teen Camp near Portland, OR - July 9-19

In a recent blog, Kevin Eikenberry talks about leadership in a way that make me think about how you and I can help others commit to worthy goals and causes. Can we take the time to do that? Are we willing, in a right way, to influence others to think about more than themselves? Our conduct obviously goes a long way to help set the right tone. See Remarkable Leadership.

Keep an eye on this blog and I'll post other items that can help you make sense out of our responsibility to each other.

Until next time,

Jerry de Gier